Saturday, June 23, 2012 @ 5:37 PM
Yesterday, my ballet centre almost collapsed because everyone was shrieking like mad inside. A cockroach was running around, hiding in between our demi pointe shoes and bags. The other girls kept screaming and ran to a corner. I was like them last time but I don't know when I overcame my fear of cockroaches. I don't see what's the fuss about one tiny creature when we're all giants compared to it. Calmly, I took off one of my pointe shoes and whacked it. End of story.
Fear.
There are so many types of fear in life : fear of failure, fear of success, fear of betrayal, etc. Everyone has fears but you can choose to overcome it. I have so many fears that it is impossible to count them. I'm glad I overcame my fear of cockroaches because there are so many of them crawling around in my room (biggest secret revealed!) until I'm just bored of them already and can't wait to kill them.
My biggest fear now is my mum. I don't see myself as a rebellious kid but of course I go against her once in a while (for now, it's many times in a while, LOL). I always fear that I'll not live up to her standards because she was a top student last time but we're supposed to run our own race, right? And I constantly feel like she's the barrier of all my dreams. She always holds me back from all my interests and putting focus on my studies, as if I'm not working hard enough.
Really, mum, please don't assume the As you see on my report card fall from the sky like rain. I may not study as hard as you did last time but I can assure you I always try my best. Why is it so hard to trust me on that matter? You should know me well enough that I'm a person who strives for the best. You say you're disappointed in me for getting 80+ in most of my subjects this time. Guess what? You're not the only one.
I'm disappointed, too. But I'm more disappointed in you.
I hate going to places with my mum - wait, let's be specific : I hate being alone with my mum. Anywhere, but mostly in her car when we're going to places. She is such a negative person and she's constantly showering me with those negative comments of hers and I'm so affected by it. I know people say you're responsible for your own happiness but her negative words just get stuck in my head somehow. At a certain age, I realised I'm so upset/annoyed whenever she's with me and I feel so relieved when my dad picks me up from tuitions or ballet lessons.
I can talk to my dad about anything because he is more open-minded than my mum and whenever there is silence in his car, I feel at peace. But if there is silence in my mum's car, it's always after a huge argument with her. Wait, it's mostly my mum worrying about my future, my grades and my Mandarin tuitions. And all her money wasted on me for learning instruments and dancing. So, basically, it's a one-sided argument because I'll just be there stealthily, remaining silent. I mean, what was I supposed to say?
My mum always discourages me to try new things because she doubts my commitment. In my opinion, she's just lazy to drive me around and wants to stay at home and sleep. Let's talk about commitment, then. I've not once done things half-heartedly because I'm a perfectionist. Whatever I learn, be it instruments, a sport, an art, I always learn as much as I can and I ALWAYS finish what I've started. Perhaps she's mad because she wanted me to play tennis when I was younger but then, I stopped. That's the only thing I didn't finish because I wasn't interested in that sport. She forced me to take it, my gosh. But I learnt how to swim when I didn't want to, right?
And she always compares. Like, "Why did teacher let her perform? Why not you instead?" Or, "Wow, he's really an all-rounder. If only it were you, I'd be so proud." Seriously, mum. You're the one who always discourages me to do anything else except studying. I like to take part in school activities, I'd love to perform in dramas, I don't mind going for competitions, it's fine by me if I take up a post in a society - but you didn't want any of those so I let all those chances slip through my fingers. Please, don't compare. It hurts me to think that I've lost so many opportunities just because you didn't approve.
Sometimes, when I'm alone and my brain starts reeling, I think about why I'm studying so hard in school when those aren't the subjects I want to take. I envy those people who are not good in studies but they have a certain talent that no one else has. Anyone can be smart - you just have to be hardworking; it takes a non-conformist to walk a different path from the rest of us, believing that he can do it when everyone doubts him.
She laughed when I told her I want to be in the arts stream. I like music. I like dancing. I like arts. She said everyone does but society kills those dreams. To me, she's the one murdering mine. I don't want to be a doctor or an actuarist. I don't mind having a lower pay; I just want to enjoy what I do. "That's what everyone says. And where have they ended up? In McDonald's, complaining about how unfair life is."
I'm so negative nowadays, I can't even think straight. I hope God would just change the course of my life and change my mum's thinking. I hope He'll stop her from feeding me negative thoughts and give me a right mind. I hope He has better things in store for me. I hope.
Hope.
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Whisk me away
Monday, June 18, 2012 @ 7:13 PM
I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST. YAY ME! 8D
LOL, that was straightforward. I really thank God for guiding me throughout my exam. I also thank God for the great weather today and the car I used - it's new! :D Thank God for giving me the confidence and the power of positive thinking and also directing my path when I drove because I'm sure as heck the examiner wouldn't tell me where I'm supposed to go.
I had to skip school today (duh) but I'm not complaining. :B Waited so freaking long at the HQ for my turn to come. I was the 51st candidate, can you imagine? Thank God I was in the first batch so I can come home by 1.30pm. So many people failed before me, especially when they were going up the hill. My friend and I were panicking like crap because we didn't want to retake the exam (and also because her "L" licence will expire tomorrow). We eyed the best cars to use and the lousiest ones to avoid - basically, the car number plates that start with 2 suck like mad (always stall!) whereas those that start with 6 are new and awesome. :)
Seeing other people failed made me nervous like shit. I was so glad when it was my turn because I got a great car and also partly because I was so impatient and couldn't wait to get it over with. I was so excited to drive until I forgot to wear my seat belt!
I quickly strapped it on, of course! Thank God no one saw me. *acts innocent* And I realised the accelerator of the new car was freaking sensitive. I just PLACED my foot on top of the pedal - NO FORCE APPLIED - and the car started humming so loudly and moving so fast. Scared the crap out of me whey. I got in line with the other candidates, preparing to drive up the hill. Was nervous as heck. To my horror, EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN FRONT OF ME FAILED THAT SECTION. I think I started talking to myself? Ohh-kayyy.
Then, my turn came along. I accelerated up the hill and stopped abruptly, pulling my handbrake up then raising my hand out the window to signal that I was done. The examiner told me to go down the hill. My worst nightmare came. For every lesson, I always failed this part because I always rolled back down the hill. NOT THIS TAIME, I told myself. I rammed the accelerator with my feet while I slowly lifted up the clutch and quickly put down the handbrake. Fuyoh, you should've seen my car flying down the hill while my happy emotions went up, up, up! :D
Parking was fine. I was so afraid of knocking the tiang down because many of the candidates did. :O Three point turn also went smooth for me, with God's grace. :) AND THEN, I PASSED. :D Well, this section only lah. I'm so happy that I got through because A LOT of my super smart friends failed and had to retake again. :/ They made me ultra nervous. Really, thank God I passed. Later, I waited freaking long again for my turn to drive on the road. The test lah, I mean.
I was practically shaking when it was my turn. I hate driving on the road. My sense of direction is so bad I get lost easily in my own garden. -_- And I hate changing gears while stepping on the stupid clutch. Stupid car always stalls. I got into the car and greeted the examiner. He didn't even grunt, dammit. Talk about being friendly. I started the usual performance only this time it's for real - adjusting my seat, checking the mirrors, pulling on my seat belt, etc. I put my gear to the first gear then we got going.
The silence in the tiny car sent chills throughout my entire body. The airconds that were at full blast didn't even help one bit. The whole journey was quite smooth and I thank God for no hanky panky going on today. Yes, I am thanking God for everything because I am indeed grateful. There was only once where this stupid ass driver cut my line all of a sudden, causing me to slam the brakes and stop in the middle of the road. Stupid driver, I hate him lah, my goodness. I panicked for a moment. Thank God (YES, THANK GOD) that my body was still functioning well without my brain and I switched back to the first gear immediately after I stopped before a traffic jam grew behind me.
I realised the examiner was, like, sleeping beside me throughout the whole journey. What a pig. He didn't even bother to see whether I was doing it right. And yet he knew I forgot to put on the indicators when I was going to make a turning. WHAT KIND OF SORCERY IS THIS?!! Thank God I passed, phew. I got 18/20 - one mistake was that indicator incident and the other was that he felt my driving wasn't so smooth, like the gear-changing and all. NVM, don't sit in my car next time. :]
Everyone seemed so happy when they officially passed and got their "P" licence. I'm not saying I'm not but I'm not THAT ecstatic. I just feel like, Phew, I survived another challenge in life! That's all. BUT I WENT ECSTATIC WHEN MY MUM TOLD ME TO DRIVE HER AUTO CAR JUST NOW. :D :D :D It's kinda creepy because the car moves by itself when you put the gear to "D" which means "Drive". ._. New discovery for noob Ru Min. And I just realised her Nissan Sentra is so big compared to the only car I've ever drove before which is the koci rat learner's Perodua Kancil so I couldn't really estimate where I should be when driving on the road. But I'm glad that auto cars don't have a clutch, phew! I hate clutches.
She taught me how to U-turn, haha. Yes, I've never U-turned before, omagad. And we almost died just now when I took my mum for a drive around our neighbourhood because a freaking fast car just swept in front of me. I just found out my mum was even more panicky than me because she pulled the handbrake immediately when I'd already stepped on the brake. Or is it because I didn't understand that life is short? IDK.
When we got back, she told me our little adventure was the scariest five minutes in her entire life. I can't imagine how boring her life is since she thought THAT was scary, LMAO. Sorry, mum. YOLO! :P
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Sunday, June 17, 2012 @ 10:56 PM
Every betrayal begins with trust.
Suddenly, I feel like hugging my sister. I can imagine my arms going all the way round her body because she is so skinny and then squeeze her till she screams for me to stop, LOL. We had a super long chat yesterday through Viber and I told her everything. I thought my intuition was strong - I'm intuitive as in I can easily know whether the person is lying or not by just looking at their microexpressions or how others feel about me no matter how well they hide their emotions or what they're going to say before they actually say it. Basically, my sixth sense is very strong and my gut feeling is right most of the time. In short, you can say I'm a very - I mean, VERY - sensitive person. Good or bad, it depends.
However, I just realised my sister's intuition is stronger.
She not only can guess what people are going to say even before they open their mouths but she KNOWS something's gonna happen before it actually does. Something like a vision or a premonition. I remembered once she said she felt something really bad was gonna happen and the next minute, BAM. A car crash right before our very eyes. I even saw the glass pieces flying everywhere, scattering the road. And this type of events happened quite a number of times, more often than not, so I don't think it's a coincidence. It's like she can predict someone's gonna call us before the phone even starts ringing, something like that.
I ranted to her yesterday about what had happened to me and she said, "I told you not to trust her, remember?" And I actually did remember, vaguely. We were lying on my bed, about to sleep, when I told her I've met the sweetest and most wonderful person ever. She just told me this, "There is no such perfect person in the world. You'd better be careful and not to trust her fully, alright?" I just ignored her because I was overjoyed. I think I got slightly mad because how dare she insult my friend and say she's not trustworthy? She didn't even know her. Little did I know how right my sister was. I should've trusted her words. Now, I've gotten badly hurt because I didn't listen.
Too bad, Ru Min. You always think you know everything. Serves you right.
I found out the true colours of my "friend" last year but I didn't want to expose her. Everyone deserves a second chance to make things right so I kept quiet about it. Until last Monday, something happened. It's the final straw. Enough is enough. I just couldn't take it anymore and the things bottled up inside me just exploded. I remembered calling all my old mates just to vent my anger and express my utmost grief of losing a friend whom I THOUGHT was my friend. It's good to know I have other friends whom I can still trust (I hope).
I'm actually very upset that I've lost a friend I've held dear to me. But to finally see her real self was even more disheartening because I actually thought she was my friend. It turned out our friendship was nothing more than just another one of her lies.
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Tuesday, June 5, 2012 @ 4:15 PM
Incidents like that happen a lot and I'm not proud of them, of course. I feel guilty for treating them like that but I don't have a very good anger management skill. I rant about them a lot on my blog and when I look back on the post, my heart just twists into knots of shame and embarrassment at the words I use to vent my anger. I can see myself being so heartless and plain rude. I've always wanted to delete negative posts but I just can't bring myself to do it because they serve as a history of my feelings and a reminder that I shouldn't blog like that again as it's mean.
I know my parents call me fat and all but they still buy me food to devour so it's okay. They still love me, haha. And as long as there's food around, they can call me fat to their hearts' desire. :B I'm glad my parents don't show love by using meaningless words and empty promises like some of my friends' parents. I'm really grateful for that. My parents are more of the physical side and not emotionally driven. After all, actions speak louder than words.
Wait. Let's move back a few steps. Empty promises.
I know my parents love me and all but I just can't get over the fact that they don't wanna buy me a freaking iPod Nano 5G. *sulks* It's already so outdated and they can get one for me for a super cheap price. But, nooo. I will end up being deaf, dumb and retarded if I listen to them songs. -_- And they think I'll get hooked to listening to songs until I can't concentrate in my studies. Y U NO UNDERSTAND? With the iPad, two computers, a laptop and the TV lying around, WHAT studies? *yaomingface*
I don't see myself as a demanding child. I don't ask for a new iPhone or laptop for no reason. If I didn't do anything to earn it, then I don't deserve it. As simple as that. I also seldom spend money on clothes or accessories; I'm not an impulse shopper. Only recently, I started buying a few tees here and there because my wardrobe sucks max and doesn't fit my age group. The clothes I'm having now are for twelve-year-olds and that might be an understatement because twelve-year-olds are dressing more maturely nowadays. ._.
Come to think of it, I need more shorts. Okay, I digress. Moving on.
I don't like buying a cup of Starbucks coffee for myself. Or Häagen-Dazs ice-cream as a treat. Heck, I'm so reluctant to buy Subway cookies until my friends think I'm some stingy piece of shit. My point is I don't spend my parents' money like water. It's true that they might have spent thousands on my food and gazillion storybooks but those things worth more than dresses and lip gloss, right? Right? RIGHT? Right.
So, I deserve an iPod Nano 5G. And I'm gonna get it myself if they don't want to. Hmph.
Ahhh, to think I can finally have my very own (outdated) gadget other than the purple cellphone that I still can't claim it's mine just in case my parents decided to take it back one fine day - it feels fantabulous. :D Like rainbows and unicorns and Nutella. 8D I've been surfing eBay Malaysia lately and found good deals but the bidding time ended. :( Gonna try my luck again.
In the mean time, ANYONE who wants to SELL their iPOD NANO 5G (preferably 16GB with a CAMERA) which is still in GOOD CONDITION, please leave me a comment. I might consider if the colour is nice and you're selling it at a reasonable price. :) And it must still be FUNCTIONING WELL, of course. If you know anyone who wants to sell theirs, please tell them to leave me a comment, too. Thanks. :D
Click HERE to leave me a message if you don't know where the tagboard is.
UPDATE : I just found one on eBay Malaysia again! And it comes in ten different colours! :D But it's an iPod Nano 4G with only 8GB and no camera function. Should I get it? :/
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Monday, June 4, 2012 @ 11:07 AM
Hey, guys. I just got back from Camporama two days ago with my new tan and painful sunburns. Couldn't say I regretted going but the sunburns kinda ruined my mood because they caused so much excruciating pain and emitted heat waves? LOL, something like that. It was a totally different experience from all the church camps I've ever been to because Camporama was filled with so many activities under the hot sun rather than services and workshops all day in a fully air-cond room.
I did feel awkward, though, because I'm not a ranger. Everyone was looking good in their ranger uniforms during parades and they were so sporting during activities. I didn't really help because I didn't know what to do; all I did was played all the games and got my Skillarama badge, haha. Another thing I noticed was I made more friends in this camp compared to my previous ones. I think it's because I didn't go with anyone to camp (especially Su Li, my camp buddy) so I was forced to make new friends? It turned out well because I get to meet new people. If I were to go with someone, I think I'll just stick to that person and both of us will just be together alone, LOL.
I've not gotten so many injuries in my life before but I'm not complaining. There's a huge bruise on my left arm from playing archery - IKR? How did I even get hurt from playing archery? Actually, the elastic part of the bow must have hit me when I released my arrow but it didn't really hurt. Mana tau, the next minute I looked at my arm, BAM. Say hello to my mega bruise. Apart from a few blisters here and there, I'm all good. Oh, and I got another injury when I was playing the flying fox game. IDK how to explain what exactly happened because it was so fast but all I know was part my skin was torn out from my nail on my right little finger. I know it sounds gross but no worries, I can see some new skin growing already. Speedy recovery much? :D
I had a strange feeling of reassurance and calmness in my heart during the night rallies. I think it's because 600+ people from different churches and outposts were worshipping the same God with childlike faith. I like that. Despite the stuffy hall and the uncool air-conds, God's presence was definitely strong. I was fanning myself like crazy during P&W but I still felt connected with God. Ps. Daniel's message was also good although he'd repeated a few of his stories before. The questions he posted required us to think hard and search for the right answer. Food for thought.
Reading this post, you can't possibly say I regretted going, right? Because I didn't, and thank God I didn't. Great experience, great people, great message, great food (okaaay lah, haha).
Let's do it again in 2016. \m/0 Hullabaloo(s) : contribute
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 @ 3:25 PM
I went to register for my driving test at the HQ this morning and my driving instructor told another random driving instructor to register for me. My God, you should've seen the disgusting look on that schmuck's face. He stared at me through the two slits on his face and then I think I saw him LICKED HIS LIPS?!! WTH?!! He told me to sign some papers so after I did that, when he wanted to take his pen back from me, he used BOTH his hands to grab hold of MINE and like
Dammit, why do I always encounter this kind of shit? So unlucky.
Anyway, I've been having intensive ballet classes lately. I've missed out so much because of my stupid school exams, sigh. My toes are so numb from all the pointe work. And I've grown so fat until I don't even feel like moving around anymore. Time to go to the gym again but I'm so lazy. Oh, I'll be away until Saturday because I'll be attending a church camp. Honestly, I don't feel like going because the camp is more for rangers only and I'm not a ranger. Everyone will be wearing their cool rangers uniform and marching and looking smart and there will be me, standing and watching them. Awkwardly. And alone. In a noob and casual outfit. ._. Darn, why did my mum even sign me up for the camp?
And OMG, what if the other rangers start pointing at me and say, "Phew, thank God I'm a ranger or else I'll end up looking like that loser over there standing alone, sticking out like a sore thumb."? Or maybe something like, "How dare that commoner attend this camp? So thick-skinned! It's only for rangers lah!"? :O Ohnoz, I'll die from social humiliation. :( Maybe I should start packing now. I heard all campers are required to bring along a sarong. ._. Um, where am I supposed to get one?
Bryan said it's gonna be lots of fun in the sun. I hope he's right. D: And IDK why the camp sounds like the national service training programme. I don't mind that, though. After all, I like outdoor activities and a little tan. It's just that... Arghhh. I don't feel so good. :/
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Friday, May 25, 2012 @ 8:25 PM
WTH, I'm freaking pissed off right now. Thanks to SOMEBODY, he just ruined my entire day. He said I didn't study enough and wasn't focused throughout my exams. Are you freaking kidding me? Does it even matter whether I've studied or not? You and your wife would just say I didn't, right? And what about all those, "Oh, you're stressing yourself too much!" or "Just take it easy and relax!"? Forgotten about those already? Yea, just when I'm starting to chill you said I'm NOT focused and NOT studying enough? Seriously, screw you. I thought you were different from her; I guess I was wrong.
And so what if I was watching music videos on the iPad while studying? SO WHAT? I told you I wanted an iPod because I wanna listen to music - I didn't even freaking ask for an iPhone or my own laptop or a freaking iPod TOUCH, you SOB - but nooo, you and your bloody wife said listening to the iPod will make me DEAF and DIE and GET CANCER and whatever shit you guys made up just to avoid getting me one. And before that nonsense happened, she had the NERVE to say, "You want an iPod? Let's wait for your results first." Really? Screw you. I'm not a person who asks for rewards when my results are satisfying but just when I wanna ask for a little favour?
NO.
Excuses, excuses and MORE OF YOUR DUMB EXCUSES.
Excuses, excuses and MORE OF YOUR DUMB EXCUSES.
About the DSLR thing. SCREW THE HELL OUT OF BOTH OF YOU LAH. Seriously? Using that DSLR excuse as my reward for getting 8A's in PMR, as my birthday gift for TWO consecutive years, as my CHRISTMAS gift, as my reward for getting good results, as a gift for my living existence, etc. etc. etc. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And then said, "Hey, the DSLR is for everybody, not for you only." SCREW YOU ALL. Will it even hurt to get me a storybook, even if it's a shitty one? I DON'T EVEN SPEND YOUR MONEY ON CLOTHES, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH BOTH OF YOU?
Freaking sick of you both lah. You set high expections, I achieve it, then you tell me to relax. When I start chilling a bit, YOU SAID I DIDN'T STUDY? Please, go rot in hell, IDGAD. You think it's so nice and easy to remain first, is it? If I didn't study, you think the teachers, like, SUMMONED me to get first? BEING FIRST IS NOT STRESSFUL AND TIRING, IS IT? SCREW YOU. GO AND TRY BEING FIRST AND SEE LAH, MA DE. When you get first, people EXPECT you to get first so it's no big deal. When you DON'T get first, people assume you either got lazy/arrogant so they look down upon you. Sounds fun, right? Shit you.
I hate the first position. You have nothing to look forward to as there is no position higher than the first place. And the whole freaking world either hates you for being top all the time or they'll just look at you and think you have no life because you're a nerd. And some kiasu scumbags will just keep competing with you until you die/lose to them. IDGAD but it gets annoying/sick/tiring after a while. You told me to relax and chill. No need to get first all the time. THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING NOW LAH. If I really got first again, it's all thanks to God because I didn't really study. If I didn't then it doesn't matter lah since it's my own fault for not studying like mad; being first doesn't mean anything to me. I've gotten way worse, anyway. BUT WHY ARE YOU EVEN GIVING A DAMN? WHEN I REVISE TILL 3AM, DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT? Or were you snoring away in Dreamland? But when the minute I go on YouTube, you said I'M NOT FOCUSED? Please, kill me before I kill you.
Shouldn't you guys be thankful that I didn't end up like those shitass smart people who got depression after a while? Shouldn't you guys feel better that I didn't really cared when I lost three marks? Or would you guys feel better if I actually bugged the teacher to give me those three marks back? Stop. I think I know the answer but I don't wanna hear it. If you think I'm dumb, fine. But I think you're dumber. What part of "I AM DIFFERENT" do you not understand? I don't wanna enter the medical field. That's so mainstream. I don't even like Science subjects, for heaven's sake. I'm just taking those lame subjects just because you want me to. If I ever requested to study any Arts subjects, I think you guys will go berserk and just melt into the earth since you think Arts subjects are for stupid people, right? -_-
You once said both of you will support me in anything I do. Now, tell me why I can't seem to find any truth in that statement. *rolls eyes* "What field are you interested in, then?" Don't you even dare ask me that. I told you before but does it even matter? It was stupid of me to think it did. Don't even bother asking me what field I'm interested in because in the end, YOU'LL JUST ASK ME TO BE A GODDAMN DOCTOR.
Newsflash : Over my dead body.
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