Friday, August 30, 2013 @ 11:25 PM
Student performance night had just ended and I was there, as usual, a part of the faceless crowd. Most of the performances were shitty and boring; no one except a few took their acts seriously. Perhaps they were nervous on stage but that's such a weak excuse. My mind drifted and I found myself staring at him. She was scratching and rubbing his back gently and he was clearly enjoying it. Amongst the beating of the drums and the off-key voices of the lead singer, that little scene in the dark captivated me.
It was all too familiar; it was as if I was him, and you were her. With every stroke of her hand, I felt the gentleness of your hand caressing my back, consoling me, comforting me. My heart swelled to the size of a football and for a moment there, I can't breathe. It beat faster than the pounding of the drums, twice as quick as the plucking of the electric guitar. Warmth flood all over me as I thought about you. I always think about you. Just last night, I thought how great it would feel to be embraced in your arms again. I remembered you were the last person I thought of at night before I went unconscious.
Few days ago, I woke up crying. I woke up from a dream, not a nightmare, but a dream because it wasn't scary or horrific. It was a sad and frustrating dream. I wonder whether such dreams exist, or whether I am supposed to feel like this with these sorts of dreams. And the first person I thought about was you. If only you were here to hug me tightly and rock me slowly in your arms, tell me softly that everything's going to be alright.
I always think about you. Whenever I'm alone, I can't help but think about you. Anywhere I go, something will surely remind me of you. What do you think about the weather today? Aren't those newly-bloomed cherry blossoms lovely? Would you like your gelato in a cone or in a cup? Do you think I should get this beanie or not? It's on sale.
But we spoke. In fact, just a few moments before the performance started. My heart remained cold when I heard your voice; it always does that although my skin burnt with the warmth in your voice. My replies were curt, blunt, tired. How are you? How was your day? What have you been up to lately? Simple words are the hardest to spit. Our conversation, as usual, didn't last long and ended on a bad note. I was left disappointed, not with you, but with myself.
"Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely." A famous quote positively received by everyone. But if I might add, true, being alone doesn't mean you're lonely, but it tends to get lonely after a while. You cannot be strong for too long, you cannot be alone for too long. You're made to connect, to feel, to love. Or else your insides will start eating you up, consuming your whole being, leaving you empty.
"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."
We've known each other for so long but I still don't know how to love you. Love you well, love you properly, love you like how you're supposed to be loved. I believe it's true that love requires courage, even if not in the most chivalrous forms but in simple daily actions such as asking about your well-being and apologising for my mistakes. I wish someone would provide classes to teach people how to treat your loved ones right and not take them for granted. I'd then attend those classes to learn how to love. I wish someone can teach me how to love, teach me how to speak with patience and kindness.
Your birthday is in five days. I thank God everyday for your existence and for your love - it is almost comparable to His. I don't think anyone can ever replace you in my life but those words will forever remain stuck in my throat, just like my feelings for you will forever remain stuck in my soul.
I miss you. Dearly. What happened to us?
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Whisk me away
Tuesday, July 23, 2013 @ 11:03 PM
"Tell me more about yourself."
That's by far the hardest question I have ever answered. Tell you more about myself? What do you want to know about me? What's there to know? I'm not even as deep as the kiddie's pool and there's nothing exciting about my life. I am a very mundane person with a boring lifestyle. I am so mediocre that my grades are good but they are not good enough. I have taken up many skills because of my interests but sadly, I am not interested enough to pursue them wholeheartedly and excel in them. I know how to do things well but I don't do them well enough. I'm the sort of person who is always stuck in the middle of everything - my interests, my relationships, the line in Starbucks, in traffic jams. Just the right adjective to describe a middle child.
"What are your special achievements?"
My mind goes blank. What are my special achievements? I don't think I have any. I have never achieved anything deemed special. Like I've said, I'm so mediocre that all my achievements are also achieved by others - what's so special about that? I wished I have pursued harder in life but my mind constantly tells me that I am doing so, I am striving for excellence. Sometimes, I wonder whether my mind is playing tricks on me, convincing me that I am actually working hard for my future but in actual fact, there are many others who have worked thrice as hard for the same thing I want. I acknowledged this fact and told my parents about it and they just looked really sad. "You should give yourself more credit for the things you've done, Ru Min." I wonder how hard it was for them to say those words, to lie, when all I saw was disappointment written all over their faces. And it upsetted me that they had to give in to lying to me when they could've just said, "You're so lazy, that's why you will always be mediocre. Why don't you ever try to work harder and do better when you clearly know you can?"
I didn't know how to answer their mock interview questions. They told me the right answers but my brain just could not comprehend any of them. I wonder since when my mind has learnt how to drift and lose focus on important things. And then, I asked myself, Are these things even important to you? I told my parents that I've thought about suicide before and as usual, they thought I was nuts and told me to stop talking nonsense. But I'm glad to know that they're those types of parents who'd actually listen to their children when they start talking about this sort of "nonsense" although a part of them still think I'm being ridiculous.
"I think maybe, one day, I will commit suicide."
"You'll go straight to hell, then."
"I know, and that's exactly the reason why I won't."
But the thought of it is still very unhealthy. I know I'll think like this when the stress gets too heavy or when I am feeling empty. I don't tell anyone but I think my parents seem to know and they always ask me whether I can handle everything. Those times make me feel the worst because I'm not even handling the stress on my own; I always express myself when I'm stressed so my stress is always shared among my parents, my friends and me. I want others to be stressed with me so that I won't feel alone and that's exactly why I hate myself for that. I'm clearly not handling everything on my own and yet I'm so mentally weak to even handle the portion of stress left with me until I contemplate suicide. Many of my friends go through more life-challenging incidents everyday and they keep it all to themselves. Why am I not made like that?
We just had an argument. Disappointment is splayed all over their faces, nothing new. Tomorrow is the day of the interview and I have answered every question unprofessionally with a hint of ignorance. I am so unprepared that only God can give me a miracle. People always think I am so hardworking and I thought I was, too. I even take pride in being such a diligent person. Who am I kidding? I am not - not at all; I am just very blessed. I can't help but wonder when will be the day when my blessings run dry.
I really hope something good will come out of all these things I've been worrying about everyday.
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Friday, July 19, 2013 @ 3:20 PM
NO. WHO AM I KIDDING. HOW CAN YOU BE RATIONAL WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.
Anyway, let's see the situation at hand right now. I've been back for more than two weeks and it's my longest break for the year (close to a month). I have decided that this break will be a REAL break for me, not like the previous one where I was more focused on my studies to prepare for my Semester 1 exams. Nevertheless, I did go out a few times (four times max in a period of two weeks) that time and my parents reluctantly agreed. That made me feel bad so although this break is my longest one yet, I've decided to go out less to lessen their burdens (but it's not like they have to fetch me anywhere or whatever because I can freaking drive that's why I don't see why my outings are such a burden to them). I know I've been complaining a lot lately like why my friends don't want to go out with me or some whiny shit but I've finally realised actually there are people who want to hang out with me but I have been turning down their invitations to accommodate my parents. To those friends whom I said I can't go out with because I'm busy/have work to do/no transport :
Sorry, guys. I lied. I'm actually damn free and rotting at home and I have a freaking car. But it's not like I don't want to; I'm dying to, actually. I'm only lacking PERMISSION to go out but that's because I didn't ask.
Well, I finally asked my mum today. Guess what happened?
BOOM BOOM POW POW BANG BANG PEW PEW PEW CRASH AND BURN.
That's right, World War III happened. Surprise, surprise. She said I went out too many times this holiday. I think my brain stopped working for a moment and my eyes rolled back and I collapsed and died.
But let me count for you the number of times I REALLY went somewhere nice with my friends and did something productive. Bear with me, it might take a while and I need a calculator for this.
.
.
.
Phew, finally got it! I didn't take long, did I? It was a tough one, really. Had to do a lot of factorising and substituting, you know. The usuals. You should've seen me swimming in the pool of numbers! Anyway, here's my answer :
.
.
.
One.
WOW, RU MIN. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. DO YOU REALISE HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE BEEN OUT THIS HOLIDAY? One. One. Freaking. Time. That's way too many times. WAY TOO MANY TIMES. I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS WITH YOUR WORK ANYMORE! 9.9/10 FOR YOUR GPA? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? WHERE DID THE 0.1 GO? Yea, that's right. THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. YOU LOST IT WHEN YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY TO FIND YOUR FRIENDS. It all makes sense now. PERFECT sense. You have been having WAY too much fun. No wonder you're doing so badly. For once, just be sensible. Why don't you tidy up your room as if you haven't already done it and maybe do those questions that you've completed centuries ago? Really, Ru Min. So disappointing. You should start concentrating in your studies if you want to succeed in life. THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. YOUR FUTUREEE.
Okay, maybe I should focus more on MY FUTUREEE like I don't do it every single freaking second when I am having fun doing my goddamn questions online where the system keeps crashing and my answers go missing and I have to redo the whole freaking lot again. And yea, perhaps I shouldn't go out so often, too. I mean, wow. One time, that's a lot. Since when have I gotten this wild, OMG? I scare myself sometimes. I should go out less, like negative times, and slowly sink into my bed because I have been sitting in the same position for 12938134 days. Yea, you're right. You're so right. What was I thinking? I really should listen to you more.
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Monday, June 24, 2013 @ 12:30 AM
I can't.
It's semester break, my semester exams are over, all my friends have gone home to party. Me? I am still here, alone, with all these. Writing, filling, rushing for deadlines. Not because I was procrastinating that's why I am rushing but because I have exams before that, and work before exams. The same question haunts me everyday : When will it end?
I keep asking myself why I am doing all this. Why I am doing this to myself. I keep telling myself that it is what I have chosen. It is all worth it. All my work is worth it. God rewards those who work hard to achieve. But then again, am I working that hard? Am I being melodramatic and in actual fact, I'm just working averagely? I feel so mediocre, anyway. There are certainly many others who are working doubly hard and are still going strong yet they don't claim for holidays, they don't rest, they don't need a break so why do I?
I noticed how my heart beats with a different pace every time. I think I am panicking and my heart is having a hard time pumping enough blood throughout my system to allow me to breathe. Is that why I am feeling so out of breath right now when all I am doing is just sitting here?
All I am doing is just sitting here.
Sounds relatively simple yet you have no idea what I am doing besides "sitting here". How would you?
I am losing it. Or am I losing myself? Are they even the same?
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Tuesday, June 11, 2013 @ 9:45 PM
Have to get this off my chest today :
You may know a person for a really long time and yet you can never fully know the person. Nobody is entirely transparent, nobody is without secrets. When you slowly discover the lives of those whom you refer to as your friends, quirks and conflicts may arise but that's normal because everyone's different. That, I can accept. But here's something to consider : Your friends are called your "friends" for a reason, they're not called your "family" because your family accepts you for who you are; they can stand how shitty your attitude is and they can tolerate you for being such a B. Besides, they're most probably forced to accept you given the fact that they're stuck with you as "family" - there's no escaping God's arrangement.
But your friends DON'T have to accept you.
The world doesn't evolve around you so stop being so self-centered. Your friends can drop you whenever they want like they've never known your existence. You can say that those friends are not your real friends and such but come on, sometimes it's you who've caused a broken friendship. Being a selfish prude towards your friends, taking them for granted, thinking that what they do for you everyday is something they owe you because "they're my friends what, they're supposed to treat me well". Continue having that mindset and one day you'll realise how many friends you've lost. You say you don't give a damn whether they've left you or not because "real friends will stay" but please, stop creating excuses for yourself. People always say that true friends will accept you for who you really are but that doesn't mean you have a right to be a giant jerk to them. Your friends love you for who you are but don't take it for granted, don't take it too far, because they may love you but they don't HAVE to. They may be someone you've known really long and you've grown very comfortable with (or even sick of) them but that doesn't mean you have the right to abuse that friendship. Friends are humans, too. Everyone has a limit. Not all your friends will point out your flaws to you because they might not want to embarrass/hurt you or they're afraid that you might get mad/annoyed or they feel that it's none of their business. But if a close friend was brave enough to confront you about your attitude and point out your flaws, just take it in stride. It is undeniably embarrassing at first and can really hurt your high ego but seriously, aren't we all striving to be better people? They tell you because they care for you and want you to change. They don't want you to bring that lousy attitude to your workplace in the future that may cost you your job. And frankly, they're also quite sick of how you're treating them like scum.
If all you're expecting from people are compliments, how are you supposed to grow? If you know a certain flaw that you possess, work to change. It's easier said than done but with time, it will be done. And during that period of change, that's when you can observe who your true friends are because only they will have the patience to stay by your side and help you through; the rest will leave because they've given up on you completely. That's okay, you're just weeding out the parasites, then. There's no harm becoming a better person; don't constantly be a huge jerk to them just because "my true friends know this is how I am", "they can stand it" or "they can accept me for who I am, not like some people". Grow up and learn to treat others with respect; not everyone will have such a high tolerance level in life. Your friends don't owe you anything, neither does anyone, so stop acting like a stuck-up B who owns the lives of others.
And gosh, just stop using your friends because they're "your friends". It's so irritating when people think they can trample all over you just because you regard them as friends. Shit you, they're your friends. They're people, not tools. Old friends, new friends, close friends, hi-bye friends - nobody deserves that treatment from you. If you want something, ask for it first. Don't assume that people are obliged to give you what you want; everyone has the right to say NO. Just because "they're your friends" doesn't mean you can take whatever and whenever you want. They may not tell you how they feel about you but be more considerate. Think about others for once and put yourself in their shoes. How'd you feel if your friends took your items for their own benefit even after you've said NO? I can tell you it's really bloody annoying and hurtful to know that your so-called "friends" don't respect your decision.
Lastly, don't be stingy about helping others. Why so selfish? So many people help you everyday (but you don't realise it because that's how ungrateful you are) so isn't it time for you to give back? If you're not ready to give then don't be so thick-skinned to take. If you don't respect others, at least show some respect for yourself. Are you really that shameless? Taking other people's things like you own them? Hell. Whatever it is, only your family will accept how bipolar you are (not really, some families can't even stand each other). Continue being like this and that'll reassure people that it's time to move on from being friends with you. Your friends deserve better, anyway. And don't be surprised if someone starts spreading negative comments about your attitude, it may or may not be true, but there's always a little truth behind every rumour. Look at yourself, how have you been treating people lately? If your conscience is untainted then there's no need to feel guilty/worried. But honestly, no one dislikes someone who's nice unless they're Bs themselves. If you've heard bad things about you, it's most probably your own fault.
I'm done speaking in general. If you think I'm directing this post to you then I am.
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Thursday, June 6, 2013 @ 1:18 AM
You can work so hard and do your best, not try, but DO your best and still lose everything. People look at you like you're one lifeless nerd who don't know how to socialise and have zero communication skills. You'd think to yourself that it'll all cease to matter as you enter a prestigious university so you just ignored those people and studied doubly hard. You're expected to get good grades and you did since you've studied very hard so you started to be picky about your career/university choices. But in the end, you found out you're not the least bit qualified to enter. Why didn't the studying pay off? Did you work yourself to death for nothing? If studying was the only thing you're known for and yet you can't even get into a famous university, what is the point of your existence? And you thought you had a choice if you're smart? Little did you know, you may be smart but you're just not smart enough.
At times like this, I wish I knew someone, other than God, who had the time and wouldn't mind me pouring out my soul to them. They'd just sit there and listen while I release all my frustration and anger and disappointment on how unfair life can be. They'd just allow me to cry and cry and cry freely till I'm completely spent. They'd not ask me what's wrong, what's happened. They'd not fumble around for the "right" words to console me, they'd not try to cheer me up. They'd not judge me with every word I try to speak. They'd not fling their thoughts and opinions at me, the maybes, the perhaps, the what ifs, of what might have caused it to happen just to rationalise my mind. They'd just sit there and listen quietly, patiently, while I try my best to use words and form sentences in between gasps for air after crying so violently. They'd just let me cry till I'm contented, they'd just simply be a person I can release everything upon. And when I'm completely and utterly done, they'd just embrace me in a long and warm hug, not a word, then they'd release me, let me go, walk away from me, just to give me some time to recollect myself, my thoughts, my feelings - they'd be everywhere by then, scattered, and trampled on by life.
I wish I knew someone like this.
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Thursday, May 30, 2013 @ 2:55 AM
Crying my soul out.
Crying my spirit out.
Cry till I use up every ounce of water in my body until I shrivel up and die.
Death.
Death seems to be the easiest thing to deal with right now since I am already halfway there.
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