Tuesday, July 23, 2013 @ 11:03 PM
"Tell me more about yourself."
That's by far the hardest question I have ever answered. Tell you more about myself? What do you want to know about me? What's there to know? I'm not even as deep as the kiddie's pool and there's nothing exciting about my life. I am a very mundane person with a boring lifestyle. I am so mediocre that my grades are good but they are not good enough. I have taken up many skills because of my interests but sadly, I am not interested enough to pursue them wholeheartedly and excel in them. I know how to do things well but I don't do them well enough. I'm the sort of person who is always stuck in the middle of everything - my interests, my relationships, the line in Starbucks, in traffic jams. Just the right adjective to describe a middle child.
"What are your special achievements?"
My mind goes blank. What are my special achievements? I don't think I have any. I have never achieved anything deemed special. Like I've said, I'm so mediocre that all my achievements are also achieved by others - what's so special about that? I wished I have pursued harder in life but my mind constantly tells me that I am doing so, I am striving for excellence. Sometimes, I wonder whether my mind is playing tricks on me, convincing me that I am actually working hard for my future but in actual fact, there are many others who have worked thrice as hard for the same thing I want. I acknowledged this fact and told my parents about it and they just looked really sad. "You should give yourself more credit for the things you've done, Ru Min." I wonder how hard it was for them to say those words, to lie, when all I saw was disappointment written all over their faces. And it upsetted me that they had to give in to lying to me when they could've just said, "You're so lazy, that's why you will always be mediocre. Why don't you ever try to work harder and do better when you clearly know you can?"
I didn't know how to answer their mock interview questions. They told me the right answers but my brain just could not comprehend any of them. I wonder since when my mind has learnt how to drift and lose focus on important things. And then, I asked myself, Are these things even important to you? I told my parents that I've thought about suicide before and as usual, they thought I was nuts and told me to stop talking nonsense. But I'm glad to know that they're those types of parents who'd actually listen to their children when they start talking about this sort of "nonsense" although a part of them still think I'm being ridiculous.
"I think maybe, one day, I will commit suicide."
"You'll go straight to hell, then."
"I know, and that's exactly the reason why I won't."
But the thought of it is still very unhealthy. I know I'll think like this when the stress gets too heavy or when I am feeling empty. I don't tell anyone but I think my parents seem to know and they always ask me whether I can handle everything. Those times make me feel the worst because I'm not even handling the stress on my own; I always express myself when I'm stressed so my stress is always shared among my parents, my friends and me. I want others to be stressed with me so that I won't feel alone and that's exactly why I hate myself for that. I'm clearly not handling everything on my own and yet I'm so mentally weak to even handle the portion of stress left with me until I contemplate suicide. Many of my friends go through more life-challenging incidents everyday and they keep it all to themselves. Why am I not made like that?
We just had an argument. Disappointment is splayed all over their faces, nothing new. Tomorrow is the day of the interview and I have answered every question unprofessionally with a hint of ignorance. I am so unprepared that only God can give me a miracle. People always think I am so hardworking and I thought I was, too. I even take pride in being such a diligent person. Who am I kidding? I am not - not at all; I am just very blessed. I can't help but wonder when will be the day when my blessings run dry.
I really hope something good will come out of all these things I've been worrying about everyday.
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Whisk me away