Sunday, June 8, 2014 @ 11:22 PM
I've slowly came to accept the fact that I'll always feel uncomfortable in church. I feel Him during P&W; I understand Him through the words of the pastor; I love how His presence overwhelms me every time I pray. As I type this, my heart pounds in my chest and I can't help but wonder whether this is due to excitement or fear. Or both. But is it possible that one will never belong in a church? I think it is. I feel like I'm floating on the surface of every conversation I share with the people there. A sense of dissociation from the rest. A sense of urgency to leave when the service is over. It often puzzles me as to why people hang around after church to mingle with each other. Is it purely because they enjoy the company of other churchgoers? Do people discuss the sermon after service and their thoughts about it? Or do they always judge the newcomer like, "Oh, my God... Did you see what she wore just now? I know, right... To church! Goodness." How off-putting.
I realised I have the ability to leave. Yea, an ability. Like a skill, much to my wow. I didn't know it meant something until I found out people around me actually had difficulties doing it. Leaving something, someone, somewhere. It doesn't affect me to leave anything behind. And I always left without notice, which apparently was really cruel according to some friends as it showed a lack of accountability (sorry, didn't know). Is it an advantage to feel absolutely nothing at all when I leave my loved ones behind? Is it because I'm so used to leaving until I am desensitised by the act of it? Sometimes, I think that I look forward way too much. Like I am too focused with what's ahead of me to look back and see what I've left behind. Literally me living the phrase of "no turning back". It really astounds me as to nothing can be strong enough to hold me back, to make me miss it, to cause me to stay. How would I feel if I was left behind? I don't know.
The consequence of constant leaving is probably the feeling of dissociation, then. I leave before I can be connected to a person. Or the church, in this case. If it doesn't feel right, I leave. If it's affecting me, I leave. If I need change, I leave. It's so easy for me to leave until now I think it's so cowardly to do so even though I always strive to work things out and make the situation better. Wait, do I really think it's cowardly? Is it?
The thing is, leaving something behind makes me search for something better. And this newfound hope is enough to drive me. I think I just found another issue - the feeling of dissatisfaction. I get bored easily with what I get/have achieved although I might appreciate it greatly. Which is probably why I leave without hesitation to find something new/better/more satisfying... Oh, Ru Min. What is this. *inserts annoyed emoji* (Or should I say dis, hurrr. I'm so funny.) Anyway, back to dissociation. I went to church today after months of absence. People seemed happy to bask in each other's company as well as God's presence. I felt so out of place as if my presence would disrupt their happy circle. Maybe that's why I like to leave fast. And also maybe that's why I don't have happy connections with church people. Happy connections. Church people. Wat.
I'm starting to annoy myself so I'll stop. Probs continue this personal reflection some other time. Oh, did I mention that we have to write up a reflection component for EVERY assignment we do in med so it'll train us to be a "reflective medical practitioner" in the future? LOLLL. Senti. Probs why I've been reflecting extra much these days, hahaha.
Okay, back to my endless assignments. Kill meee. #medlyfe #unilyfe #whateverlyfe #WHATLYFE #hashtags #why
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Whisk me away
Friday, May 23, 2014 @ 10:30 PM
We were celebrating our huge success. People were dancing and singing loudly around us, getting drunk. We were not. We joined the game of Truth or Dare. I picked "Dare" in the first round. I was afraid of my "Truth". My "Dare" was easy - all I had to do was take a few shots. God blessed me with high tolerance, thank You. They cheered me on as I took them. You watched. I felt weird, not from the alcohol but your intense gaze. What are you looking at?
I remembered the first time meeting you at the party with your friends. I just had a few drinks. I was pushed towards you by accident. You introduced yourself. I could not pronounce your name the way you did. I laughed at myself. You looked like a player. I did not think twice. I was high. Your existence escaped me until we went to our next social event. My friend was too drunk to function after we had pres at your place. She drew some vulgar images on your costume on the way to the event. We all laughed hysterically. Being a sensitive person, I caught your microexpression. You appeared disturbed for a brief moment but then laughed along quickly. I was puzzled. Players are supposed to be cool about these things, right? I kept a lookout for you. You are not what I have expected. I realised you are not a player. You seemed calm and collected among the other drunktards at the bar. You stood out. I was amused. I discovered that you do not drink. That came off attractive.
I watched you all the time. You are certainly not an alpha male but you have my attention. My friends do not understand why. Me neither. You are shy yet bold; reserved yet loud; conservative yet naughty - how is that even possible? And your passion. It burns in your eyes when I look at you. The heat irradiates when I am around you. I admire you a lot. You are so talented but humble. A real inspiration. Learning a little about you every time we meet is thrilling. Physique wise, you have really gorgeous eyes. An extremely ripped body. A rough complexion that I only realised when I stood next to you. Bad hair that I have grown to love.
I waved at you once when we bumped into each other in between classes. You walked right past me with your friends but you suddenly turned back and waved vigorously. You apologised and said you could not recognise me because I was wearing my glasses. I laughed. You are adorable. I still did not think much about you. We saw each other again later on and talked. We almost went for dinner together - just us, without the rest - but I pulled away. I said I had work to do. I was comfortable around you back then. You were just another friend I would love to add to my life. It is not the same now. I realised that I cannot deal with you after discovering your incredible qualities. I am not myself anymore. I stopped talking to you. I ignored your advances to make conversation. You stopped trying. I did not even try in the first place. We grew apart. Is it a shame?
I started feeling slightly tipsy. It was my turn again. I picked "Truth". You excused yourself for a moment. I received my question. Your name slipped. Do I regret it? No. You were not even there to hear. Your friends stared at me. I nodded like it was nothing. They were unconvinced. Days passed. The high is gone. We are sober again. We retreated back into our own lives. We meet up as a group sometimes. Your friends ask for confirmation every time. I deny it. You probably knew nothing of it. Or did they tell you what happened? My words are best assumed as another drunk confession. I was not thinking straight (I was). I was not sober (I was). It was not sincere (it was). You are better off left with uncertainties than knowing for sure. I do not cope well with heartfelt connections. I am not ready. Are you?
I hung out with one of our mutuals two days ago. The topic of you seeped into our conversation. I listened. He claimed that you are logical but insecure. "Insecure?" I asked. "Why?" "Because he does not want to be seen as a geeky guy." "Geeky? What the hell." I do not know which one surprised me more - the fact that you are insecure or the fact that you thought others saw you as a geek. I guess I could say everyone is insecure in their own way... But geeky? You? Not even close. Well, maybe you are but being a geek definitely does not reduce your attractiveness. You are such a good catch. You truly are.
To be honest, I dislike where this is going. I dreamt about you last night. I do not need this. It is unnecessary. Hell, I just dedicated a blog post to you. You should not have lit the fire in me. I should not have let you. I do not want to burn with your passion. I do not want to burn myself. No one likes getting hurt.
I want to be cold.
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Thursday, February 27, 2014 @ 11:02 PM
당신은 저를 떠났습니다...
내가 지금 무엇을해야합니까?
어떻게? 어떻게 어떻게? ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
I've always liked being alone but never have I ever felt lonely until now.
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Sunday, January 19, 2014 @ 7:42 PM
It doesn't make sense to feel this sad when my brother left for Melbourne. I mean, in a month, I'll be just a two-hour plane ride away from him in Sydney. I think maybe his departure brought upon us a heavier significance. He's the last child in our family and he just flew overseas to study. Our family is breaking apart. I know we are strong in family ties but the physical bonds between us will never be the same again. We may be home only once a year or maybe even none at all due to future work and assignments. And we might not even come home at the same time so it won't count as some sort of family reunion. Some time after, we'll settle down somewhere else and leave behind what was once our only home. The house will echo with only my parents' voices along with my grandpa's and the maid's but that's it. All youthfulness would have seeped away to some foreign land, leaving behind a lonely hum of silence in a house that might only become lively again on special occasions.
My parents are the greatest and most sacrificial people in the world, no joke. Although they may miss us dearly and feel lonely without us around, they don't mind us leaving them and obtaining a better life somewhere. I know most parents who are filthy rich and can easily send their kids overseas to study/learn some special skills but they'll definitely not let them stay there. They want them home by their side until they die. My dad thinks this is such a selfish act because of they tie their children down for their own happiness. They don't want to feel lonely so they'd rather deprive their kids of a possibly better life elsewhere than to let them go free. My parents want us to pursue our own life as long as we are happy. If we are contented, so are they. I think that was the most touching/selfless thing I've ever heard but I didn't express it because it's not really how I react to emotional stuff in our family.
My parents work extremely hard to support us so go screw yourself if you think/tell me that we get rich easily because of the job they do. Even if that's true, they have spent half their lives working hard to reach that position so if you think their job is easy, feel free to rot far away from us. I am sick of hearing such nonsense from some people. Unlike some families who have inherited wealth/land/some sort of valuable property from their ancestors, both my parents earned absolutely everything they own now from scratch. And yet they're willing to throw all their money away to us. My mum has never once bought anything branded in her life whereas my dad has never spent his money on any luxurious items till this day because they'd rather spend it on us. Every single cent is for us. A Chanel handbag, a Rolex watch, a BMW as some sort of reward for themselves for working so hard everyday? None. They believe all their money is our money. Money for our education, education and more education and perhaps a little bit left for us to buy stuff we like once in a while.
I know money can't buy love but the way my parents spend all their time just to make enough money to give us such a good life is enough to prove that yes, money can buy love if it is done right. I always feel wrong to study Medicine because just to study that is already so damn freaking expensive, let alone taking up that course in Australia. They can easily spend that amount of money on stuff they like as some sort of reward for working so bloody hard everyday or go on multiple vacations around the world to relax. But no. My dad rather drives his lousy ten-year-old van around that always breaks down than to even get a new car just to save money for my education. And my mum rarely spends money on luxurious clothes and expensive skincare products to pamper herself like most of my friends' mothers. Some people their age have already retired but not them because they need to pay for our education. As I type, my dad is still working his ass off just to cover my tuition fees, not to mention other expenses. I want to take up some cheaper and easier course but I know my parents won't allow me because they want me to have the best. They'd rather suffer first than I suffer later. Their selflessness is absurd.
I do believe that there's a possibility that my parents may not have a single cent left to enjoy life when they retire and I feel rotten about this because their whole life is just a series of work - work hard for a better life for themselves when young, work hard for a better life for children when old. My life goal is to return everything they've ever spent on me with interest and whatsoever as long as I am capable (I will make sure that I am) but what makes me feel extremely in debt to them is that I can never return them their wasted youth which was spent on us by working hard to support us.
I admit that I'm the most rebellious one in the family and perhaps the most disobedient/disrespectful one, too. I always will myself to mature faster in order to understand my parents better and to make their lives easier. I guess old habits die hard but I am trying everyday to put myself in their shoes and express love and gratitude more (although I'm not very good at doing so). I've never told them this in person (I don't think I ever will) but deep down, I vow that I will give them a smashingly fantastic life next time so that they won't regret putting so much of their time, effort and money in me. After all, it was them who gave me such a smashingly fantastic life first.
It's not even a day since he left but his absence is already anchoring deep and I feel empty without him. Sigh, I miss my brother.
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Monday, December 2, 2013 @ 11:37 AM
If I'm not mistaken, I saw you cry. It was just a shook of the shoulder during the video and then you stopped. I felt compelled to give you a hug but I guess I held back, knowing that you'll pull yourself together again just fine without the help of others. Life clearly goes on for you as you charge on with a steadfast mind and that same old responsible and firm attitude of yours. That's admirable because if it were me, I would have fallen so hard and grew comfortable of the ground and refuse to get back on my feet. People like you truly amaze me as you've been blessed with the ability to use God's strength in your favour. All I want to say is there's no harm in being vulnerable because vulnerability doesn't signify that you're weak and you clearly aren't because you come in the name of the Lord. I won't understand how it feels like but I'm sorry it happened and I hope it's God's way of showing you a bigger picture. You're one of the strongest person I know and that is enough to inspire many.
Anyway, it just occurred to me that I'm going for GY Camp today and I don't know how to feel about this. I haven't packed and they're leaving at like 4.30pm (going with the SPM kids 'cause I signed up late, haha). I heard that a lot of people I know aren't going and that's quite a bummer but hey, do it for Jesus, right? I don't know what to expect from camp this year but I hope something good comes out of it.
Okay, I think I should pack now lol.
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Monday, November 11, 2013 @ 11:30 PM
Warm my frigid soul on this cold summer's day.
Well, today was Physics. And I didn't finish my paper. Didn't finish for real - big questions, loads of marks. It wasn't like those times when I said I didn't finish but in actual fact, I did - I just didn't do some baby questions (because I didn't know how lol). Which is kind of a surprise I didn't finish but not really - a surprise because I normally finish my paper no matter what (AND THIS IS MY PRE-U FINALS, WHAT IF I CAN'T GET INTO UNI, OMG) and not really a surprise because I know deep down, I wasn't fully prepared. God is fair. This year is the year I finally break my (sort of) winning streak. I'll take whatever punishments.
I actually have a million and one problems but I don't know who to turn to. Okay, no. I know I have so many friends to turn to, some who'd even offer their listening ears without hesitation or second thoughts, to listen to my petty issues but then again, like I've said. Petty issues. Not so petty to me, actually, but may be petty to them because well... The problems aren't exactly theirs, right? Anyway, I think most of my friends have their own a million and one problems as well so I don't think they deserve to listen to my petty issues that might even add to their a million and one problems which they will then have two million and two problems including mine. God, that's a lot.
And yes, God. I miss You, God. We talk every morning once I wake up and every night before I go to bed but I feel like I've drifted from You, just like how I feel like I've drifted from most of my friends. I try to listen to P&W songs most of the time so I can still feel You; they make me so overwhelmingly joyful when I have a tough day. And they make me miss my church, too. I wonder how they're all doing. Probably swell with Your grace.
God, I'm actually scared to go home. I want to go home but I don't know where's home anymore. And they all have their own lives now. If I suddenly popped up, isn't it weird? I've been trying this whole year yet I still don't know what's best, God. I don't know whether I should keep myself from my friends since they have their own lives already or I should continue to try hard to ingrain myself in their lives.
This is one of my a million and one problems. When I try talking to old friends to see how they're doing, I feel like I'm interrupting their fabulous lives, like my role in them is finally over, like, "Why do you still talk to us when you clearly left us, geez. Just go talk to someone else." When I step aside to watch them carrying out their fabulous lives without me, some would say I've changed, I've become icy, arrogant and ignorant, and have clearly forgotten about old friends since I have gone elsewhere.
I'd rather retake exams than deal with this, honestly. It's hard and I'm so confused.
Someone must have forgotten to tell me the rules to play this game called life because I'm clearly missing something here. I don't know what to do now and I'm stuck. What move should I make now? Do I just continue on and roll the dice? Oh, it's your move now? What? The game is over? Nope, no one told me.
Wait till you go overseas. Distance does funny things to you. No matter how much social networking you do to keep in touch and how many "I'll be thinking of you!"s and "We'll always be here for you!"s you receive, you will still feel the lack of support from your family and the crumbling of invisible crutches previously provided by your friends for you to lean on.
Unless you've gone through all that, you won't understand. I'm positive. It's a weird as concept that I still haven't completely grasped yet. But if you know what I'm talking about, please tell me how you had solved the problem above. God, you can tell me, too.
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Friday, August 30, 2013 @ 11:25 PM
Student performance night had just ended and I was there, as usual, a part of the faceless crowd. Most of the performances were shitty and boring; no one except a few took their acts seriously. Perhaps they were nervous on stage but that's such a weak excuse. My mind drifted and I found myself staring at him. She was scratching and rubbing his back gently and he was clearly enjoying it. Amongst the beating of the drums and the off-key voices of the lead singer, that little scene in the dark captivated me.
It was all too familiar; it was as if I was him, and you were her. With every stroke of her hand, I felt the gentleness of your hand caressing my back, consoling me, comforting me. My heart swelled to the size of a football and for a moment there, I can't breathe. It beat faster than the pounding of the drums, twice as quick as the plucking of the electric guitar. Warmth flood all over me as I thought about you. I always think about you. Just last night, I thought how great it would feel to be embraced in your arms again. I remembered you were the last person I thought of at night before I went unconscious.
Few days ago, I woke up crying. I woke up from a dream, not a nightmare, but a dream because it wasn't scary or horrific. It was a sad and frustrating dream. I wonder whether such dreams exist, or whether I am supposed to feel like this with these sorts of dreams. And the first person I thought about was you. If only you were here to hug me tightly and rock me slowly in your arms, tell me softly that everything's going to be alright.
I always think about you. Whenever I'm alone, I can't help but think about you. Anywhere I go, something will surely remind me of you. What do you think about the weather today? Aren't those newly-bloomed cherry blossoms lovely? Would you like your gelato in a cone or in a cup? Do you think I should get this beanie or not? It's on sale.
But we spoke. In fact, just a few moments before the performance started. My heart remained cold when I heard your voice; it always does that although my skin burnt with the warmth in your voice. My replies were curt, blunt, tired. How are you? How was your day? What have you been up to lately? Simple words are the hardest to spit. Our conversation, as usual, didn't last long and ended on a bad note. I was left disappointed, not with you, but with myself.
"Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely." A famous quote positively received by everyone. But if I might add, true, being alone doesn't mean you're lonely, but it tends to get lonely after a while. You cannot be strong for too long, you cannot be alone for too long. You're made to connect, to feel, to love. Or else your insides will start eating you up, consuming your whole being, leaving you empty.
"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."
We've known each other for so long but I still don't know how to love you. Love you well, love you properly, love you like how you're supposed to be loved. I believe it's true that love requires courage, even if not in the most chivalrous forms but in simple daily actions such as asking about your well-being and apologising for my mistakes. I wish someone would provide classes to teach people how to treat your loved ones right and not take them for granted. I'd then attend those classes to learn how to love. I wish someone can teach me how to love, teach me how to speak with patience and kindness.
Your birthday is in five days. I thank God everyday for your existence and for your love - it is almost comparable to His. I don't think anyone can ever replace you in my life but those words will forever remain stuck in my throat, just like my feelings for you will forever remain stuck in my soul.
I miss you. Dearly. What happened to us?
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Tuesday, July 23, 2013 @ 11:03 PM
"Tell me more about yourself."
That's by far the hardest question I have ever answered. Tell you more about myself? What do you want to know about me? What's there to know? I'm not even as deep as the kiddie's pool and there's nothing exciting about my life. I am a very mundane person with a boring lifestyle. I am so mediocre that my grades are good but they are not good enough. I have taken up many skills because of my interests but sadly, I am not interested enough to pursue them wholeheartedly and excel in them. I know how to do things well but I don't do them well enough. I'm the sort of person who is always stuck in the middle of everything - my interests, my relationships, the line in Starbucks, in traffic jams. Just the right adjective to describe a middle child.
"What are your special achievements?"
My mind goes blank. What are my special achievements? I don't think I have any. I have never achieved anything deemed special. Like I've said, I'm so mediocre that all my achievements are also achieved by others - what's so special about that? I wished I have pursued harder in life but my mind constantly tells me that I am doing so, I am striving for excellence. Sometimes, I wonder whether my mind is playing tricks on me, convincing me that I am actually working hard for my future but in actual fact, there are many others who have worked thrice as hard for the same thing I want. I acknowledged this fact and told my parents about it and they just looked really sad. "You should give yourself more credit for the things you've done, Ru Min." I wonder how hard it was for them to say those words, to lie, when all I saw was disappointment written all over their faces. And it upsetted me that they had to give in to lying to me when they could've just said, "You're so lazy, that's why you will always be mediocre. Why don't you ever try to work harder and do better when you clearly know you can?"
I didn't know how to answer their mock interview questions. They told me the right answers but my brain just could not comprehend any of them. I wonder since when my mind has learnt how to drift and lose focus on important things. And then, I asked myself, Are these things even important to you? I told my parents that I've thought about suicide before and as usual, they thought I was nuts and told me to stop talking nonsense. But I'm glad to know that they're those types of parents who'd actually listen to their children when they start talking about this sort of "nonsense" although a part of them still think I'm being ridiculous.
"I think maybe, one day, I will commit suicide."
"You'll go straight to hell, then."
"I know, and that's exactly the reason why I won't."
But the thought of it is still very unhealthy. I know I'll think like this when the stress gets too heavy or when I am feeling empty. I don't tell anyone but I think my parents seem to know and they always ask me whether I can handle everything. Those times make me feel the worst because I'm not even handling the stress on my own; I always express myself when I'm stressed so my stress is always shared among my parents, my friends and me. I want others to be stressed with me so that I won't feel alone and that's exactly why I hate myself for that. I'm clearly not handling everything on my own and yet I'm so mentally weak to even handle the portion of stress left with me until I contemplate suicide. Many of my friends go through more life-challenging incidents everyday and they keep it all to themselves. Why am I not made like that?
We just had an argument. Disappointment is splayed all over their faces, nothing new. Tomorrow is the day of the interview and I have answered every question unprofessionally with a hint of ignorance. I am so unprepared that only God can give me a miracle. People always think I am so hardworking and I thought I was, too. I even take pride in being such a diligent person. Who am I kidding? I am not - not at all; I am just very blessed. I can't help but wonder when will be the day when my blessings run dry.
I really hope something good will come out of all these things I've been worrying about everyday.
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Friday, July 19, 2013 @ 3:20 PM
NO. WHO AM I KIDDING. HOW CAN YOU BE RATIONAL WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.
Anyway, let's see the situation at hand right now. I've been back for more than two weeks and it's my longest break for the year (close to a month). I have decided that this break will be a REAL break for me, not like the previous one where I was more focused on my studies to prepare for my Semester 1 exams. Nevertheless, I did go out a few times (four times max in a period of two weeks) that time and my parents reluctantly agreed. That made me feel bad so although this break is my longest one yet, I've decided to go out less to lessen their burdens (but it's not like they have to fetch me anywhere or whatever because I can freaking drive that's why I don't see why my outings are such a burden to them). I know I've been complaining a lot lately like why my friends don't want to go out with me or some whiny shit but I've finally realised actually there are people who want to hang out with me but I have been turning down their invitations to accommodate my parents. To those friends whom I said I can't go out with because I'm busy/have work to do/no transport :
Sorry, guys. I lied. I'm actually damn free and rotting at home and I have a freaking car. But it's not like I don't want to; I'm dying to, actually. I'm only lacking PERMISSION to go out but that's because I didn't ask.
Well, I finally asked my mum today. Guess what happened?
BOOM BOOM POW POW BANG BANG PEW PEW PEW CRASH AND BURN.
That's right, World War III happened. Surprise, surprise. She said I went out too many times this holiday. I think my brain stopped working for a moment and my eyes rolled back and I collapsed and died.
But let me count for you the number of times I REALLY went somewhere nice with my friends and did something productive. Bear with me, it might take a while and I need a calculator for this.
.
.
.
Phew, finally got it! I didn't take long, did I? It was a tough one, really. Had to do a lot of factorising and substituting, you know. The usuals. You should've seen me swimming in the pool of numbers! Anyway, here's my answer :
.
.
.
One.
WOW, RU MIN. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. DO YOU REALISE HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE BEEN OUT THIS HOLIDAY? One. One. Freaking. Time. That's way too many times. WAY TOO MANY TIMES. I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS WITH YOUR WORK ANYMORE! 9.9/10 FOR YOUR GPA? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? WHERE DID THE 0.1 GO? Yea, that's right. THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. YOU LOST IT WHEN YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY TO FIND YOUR FRIENDS. It all makes sense now. PERFECT sense. You have been having WAY too much fun. No wonder you're doing so badly. For once, just be sensible. Why don't you tidy up your room as if you haven't already done it and maybe do those questions that you've completed centuries ago? Really, Ru Min. So disappointing. You should start concentrating in your studies if you want to succeed in life. THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. YOUR FUTUREEE.
Okay, maybe I should focus more on MY FUTUREEE like I don't do it every single freaking second when I am having fun doing my goddamn questions online where the system keeps crashing and my answers go missing and I have to redo the whole freaking lot again. And yea, perhaps I shouldn't go out so often, too. I mean, wow. One time, that's a lot. Since when have I gotten this wild, OMG? I scare myself sometimes. I should go out less, like negative times, and slowly sink into my bed because I have been sitting in the same position for 12938134 days. Yea, you're right. You're so right. What was I thinking? I really should listen to you more.
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Monday, June 24, 2013 @ 12:30 AM
I can't.
It's semester break, my semester exams are over, all my friends have gone home to party. Me? I am still here, alone, with all these. Writing, filling, rushing for deadlines. Not because I was procrastinating that's why I am rushing but because I have exams before that, and work before exams. The same question haunts me everyday : When will it end?
I keep asking myself why I am doing all this. Why I am doing this to myself. I keep telling myself that it is what I have chosen. It is all worth it. All my work is worth it. God rewards those who work hard to achieve. But then again, am I working that hard? Am I being melodramatic and in actual fact, I'm just working averagely? I feel so mediocre, anyway. There are certainly many others who are working doubly hard and are still going strong yet they don't claim for holidays, they don't rest, they don't need a break so why do I?
I noticed how my heart beats with a different pace every time. I think I am panicking and my heart is having a hard time pumping enough blood throughout my system to allow me to breathe. Is that why I am feeling so out of breath right now when all I am doing is just sitting here?
All I am doing is just sitting here.
Sounds relatively simple yet you have no idea what I am doing besides "sitting here". How would you?
I am losing it. Or am I losing myself? Are they even the same?
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Tuesday, June 11, 2013 @ 9:45 PM
Have to get this off my chest today :
You may know a person for a really long time and yet you can never fully know the person. Nobody is entirely transparent, nobody is without secrets. When you slowly discover the lives of those whom you refer to as your friends, quirks and conflicts may arise but that's normal because everyone's different. That, I can accept. But here's something to consider : Your friends are called your "friends" for a reason, they're not called your "family" because your family accepts you for who you are; they can stand how shitty your attitude is and they can tolerate you for being such a B. Besides, they're most probably forced to accept you given the fact that they're stuck with you as "family" - there's no escaping God's arrangement.
But your friends DON'T have to accept you.
The world doesn't evolve around you so stop being so self-centered. Your friends can drop you whenever they want like they've never known your existence. You can say that those friends are not your real friends and such but come on, sometimes it's you who've caused a broken friendship. Being a selfish prude towards your friends, taking them for granted, thinking that what they do for you everyday is something they owe you because "they're my friends what, they're supposed to treat me well". Continue having that mindset and one day you'll realise how many friends you've lost. You say you don't give a damn whether they've left you or not because "real friends will stay" but please, stop creating excuses for yourself. People always say that true friends will accept you for who you really are but that doesn't mean you have a right to be a giant jerk to them. Your friends love you for who you are but don't take it for granted, don't take it too far, because they may love you but they don't HAVE to. They may be someone you've known really long and you've grown very comfortable with (or even sick of) them but that doesn't mean you have the right to abuse that friendship. Friends are humans, too. Everyone has a limit. Not all your friends will point out your flaws to you because they might not want to embarrass/hurt you or they're afraid that you might get mad/annoyed or they feel that it's none of their business. But if a close friend was brave enough to confront you about your attitude and point out your flaws, just take it in stride. It is undeniably embarrassing at first and can really hurt your high ego but seriously, aren't we all striving to be better people? They tell you because they care for you and want you to change. They don't want you to bring that lousy attitude to your workplace in the future that may cost you your job. And frankly, they're also quite sick of how you're treating them like scum.
If all you're expecting from people are compliments, how are you supposed to grow? If you know a certain flaw that you possess, work to change. It's easier said than done but with time, it will be done. And during that period of change, that's when you can observe who your true friends are because only they will have the patience to stay by your side and help you through; the rest will leave because they've given up on you completely. That's okay, you're just weeding out the parasites, then. There's no harm becoming a better person; don't constantly be a huge jerk to them just because "my true friends know this is how I am", "they can stand it" or "they can accept me for who I am, not like some people". Grow up and learn to treat others with respect; not everyone will have such a high tolerance level in life. Your friends don't owe you anything, neither does anyone, so stop acting like a stuck-up B who owns the lives of others.
And gosh, just stop using your friends because they're "your friends". It's so irritating when people think they can trample all over you just because you regard them as friends. Shit you, they're your friends. They're people, not tools. Old friends, new friends, close friends, hi-bye friends - nobody deserves that treatment from you. If you want something, ask for it first. Don't assume that people are obliged to give you what you want; everyone has the right to say NO. Just because "they're your friends" doesn't mean you can take whatever and whenever you want. They may not tell you how they feel about you but be more considerate. Think about others for once and put yourself in their shoes. How'd you feel if your friends took your items for their own benefit even after you've said NO? I can tell you it's really bloody annoying and hurtful to know that your so-called "friends" don't respect your decision.
Lastly, don't be stingy about helping others. Why so selfish? So many people help you everyday (but you don't realise it because that's how ungrateful you are) so isn't it time for you to give back? If you're not ready to give then don't be so thick-skinned to take. If you don't respect others, at least show some respect for yourself. Are you really that shameless? Taking other people's things like you own them? Hell. Whatever it is, only your family will accept how bipolar you are (not really, some families can't even stand each other). Continue being like this and that'll reassure people that it's time to move on from being friends with you. Your friends deserve better, anyway. And don't be surprised if someone starts spreading negative comments about your attitude, it may or may not be true, but there's always a little truth behind every rumour. Look at yourself, how have you been treating people lately? If your conscience is untainted then there's no need to feel guilty/worried. But honestly, no one dislikes someone who's nice unless they're Bs themselves. If you've heard bad things about you, it's most probably your own fault.
I'm done speaking in general. If you think I'm directing this post to you then I am.
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Thursday, June 6, 2013 @ 1:18 AM
You can work so hard and do your best, not try, but DO your best and still lose everything. People look at you like you're one lifeless nerd who don't know how to socialise and have zero communication skills. You'd think to yourself that it'll all cease to matter as you enter a prestigious university so you just ignored those people and studied doubly hard. You're expected to get good grades and you did since you've studied very hard so you started to be picky about your career/university choices. But in the end, you found out you're not the least bit qualified to enter. Why didn't the studying pay off? Did you work yourself to death for nothing? If studying was the only thing you're known for and yet you can't even get into a famous university, what is the point of your existence? And you thought you had a choice if you're smart? Little did you know, you may be smart but you're just not smart enough.
At times like this, I wish I knew someone, other than God, who had the time and wouldn't mind me pouring out my soul to them. They'd just sit there and listen while I release all my frustration and anger and disappointment on how unfair life can be. They'd just allow me to cry and cry and cry freely till I'm completely spent. They'd not ask me what's wrong, what's happened. They'd not fumble around for the "right" words to console me, they'd not try to cheer me up. They'd not judge me with every word I try to speak. They'd not fling their thoughts and opinions at me, the maybes, the perhaps, the what ifs, of what might have caused it to happen just to rationalise my mind. They'd just sit there and listen quietly, patiently, while I try my best to use words and form sentences in between gasps for air after crying so violently. They'd just let me cry till I'm contented, they'd just simply be a person I can release everything upon. And when I'm completely and utterly done, they'd just embrace me in a long and warm hug, not a word, then they'd release me, let me go, walk away from me, just to give me some time to recollect myself, my thoughts, my feelings - they'd be everywhere by then, scattered, and trampled on by life.
I wish I knew someone like this.
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Thursday, May 30, 2013 @ 2:55 AM
Crying my soul out.
Crying my spirit out.
Cry till I use up every ounce of water in my body until I shrivel up and die.
Death.
Death seems to be the easiest thing to deal with right now since I am already halfway there.
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Thursday, April 18, 2013 @ 11:15 PM
Nevertheless, I'm still very happy to see my friends. It's only been two months but it felt like ages. I really do miss their company AND THEIR FREAKING ENGLISH. Even if they do speak Mandarin, it's with a Malaysian accent and not some CHING CHONG TING LONG CHANG CHONG CHENG.
Anyway, my mood has been really bad recently. Like rotten-eggs-and-tomatoes-smell bad - not even exaggerating. It's all because of my weight. I know, I know, I sound so superficial and bimbotic and I should love myself regardless of my size yada yada yada but come on! Who doesn't want a slim figure? I'm actually not asking for a skinny body but I just wanna go back to my original weight! :( I have been really affected by my weight lately and I can feel myself being so glum most of the days. I have gained 5kg since I left and IF YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME "Oh, that's not a lot what." THEN JUST SHUT UP BECAUSE IT IS. :( I just HATE myself for not being motivated enough to go to the gym when it's like five minutes away from my house, WTH. And I just LOATHE myself for not being able to control my food consumption everyday and just keep stuffing myself even though I am super bloated.
Even my phone is filled with mouthwatering pictures of food fresh off my friends' Tumblrs (you guys are seriously not helping). I don't know why I just. Can't. Control. Myself. UGH. It's like, "YAY, I SEE FOOD! MUST. FINISH. EVERYTHING. NOW." whenever I see ANYTHING that resembles food. After gobbling everything up like a pig, I'll regret like shit and feel like killing myself.
The worst part?
IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE. IT NEVER ENDS.
Honestly, I'm really upset with myself for my lack of control towards my own body. And the lack of initiative to exercise. I've gone back to doing my sit-ups and push-ups, anything to avoid running (because I'm such a lazy pig nowadays). I'm also following all sorts of weird advices like drinking a glass of cold water early in the morning and before meals, chewing 20 times before swallowing, switching cutlery and taking time to savour the food, etc. I have also been avoiding sugary, salty and oily food as much as I can but how much can I avoid, right? Those unhealthy food are delicious, sigh. I actually tweeted a list of food I HAVE to eat before I go back up the mountains and mum really bought some of them, yay. I didn't eat them, surprisingly. They're all still stacked up in my fridge. I don't know why I feel a weird sense of comfort to know that they're just... There. HAHA. But it's a good thing, right? At least nothing's going into my stomach when I'm still feeling stuffed.
Anyway, for the first few days I was so angry because my diet plan didn't work. I mean, DUDE. I am DEPRIVED of SO MUCH GLORIOUS FOOD for the sake of my weight, WHY IS THE DIET WORKING ON EVERYONE EXCEPT ME? I should've known that dieting won't really last long-term but I was so upset about it to the point where I almost broke down and cry because I didn't know what else to do (other than exercising). I wished I was anorexic/bulimic for a few times (no offence intended) and I even called up a company to ask about their appetite suppression pills (people reading this, please don't tell my parents). I was also really angry to God for granting me such a low metabolism rate. God, come on! All my friends eat 1238234123 plates of food everyday and they're still stick-thin, why can't I have that pleasure? :(
Well, after what felt like an eternity of nibbling small portions of sugarless/tasteless food and drinking plain water, I've lost 2kg (just weighed). Without exercising. I know it won't last long but still, YAYAYAYAY. I AM SO HAPPY I CAN CRY MY BLOOD VESSELS OUT. 8'D I really hope I can maintain this till I go back to my original weight. Fingers crossed. Okay, I just went down and took a bite out of Auntie Anne's delicious cinnamon pretzel when dad stopped me and said, "Stop eating, Ru Min. You haven't been exercising lately and you look so fat. You're making me really worried!" No shits given. I deserve my pretzel as a reward for losing 2kg. *gobbles up greedily*
I feel kinda suckish, though, because every night before I sleep, I'd tell myself that TOMORROW will be the day everything changes and I WILL start exercising. Never happens, obviously. I really wished I was as disciplined as I was last time. I remembered being so afraid of not being able to fit into my charity dinner dress until I went to the gym everyday for two hours, the crap. I almost reached my dream weight, okay! But at that time I still thought I looked fat so I didn't really bother. Ah, look at me now. *breaks down and sobs uncontrollably*
Still, it feels good to be home. :)
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Friday, April 5, 2013 @ 11:11 PM
"Eighteen."
"Ah, so will you be dropping by the pub later for a few drinks?"
Eighteen. Today, I turn eighteen. I can now enter clubs legally and go drinking if I want to. Should I feel excited? No. So many people younger than me have been going clubbing illegally since they're born so I guess it's no big deal.
"Haha, nah. I'm too good for that."
Honestly, I don't feel eighteen at all. As always, I feel ten years younger than my real age. I can't believe I can actually watch 18+ movies now without feeling like I've done something wrong but I just can't. I don't like kissing scenes; I'll automatically look away/close my eyes when they come up. Even if I'm old and wrinkly, I'll still do so because it's become more of a habit than a rule set by my parents. "Cut! Cut! Close your eyes! Young children shouldn't see this!" Young children. Hmm, I doubt that "young children" nowadays are more innocent than me.
I don't deserve to be eighteen. I feel like I'm supposed to accomplish so much more before I reach this age, like something is still lacking in my life, like I'm not mature enough to be eighteen. There are still so many things that I don't know, things like knowing my directions in life (literally and figuratively speaking), and that worries me a lot. I don't think people are supposed to get lost when they're eighteen. They're not supposed to depend on others to guide them through different routes in a foreign city. In the beginning, having no sense of direction is forgivable if you're in a new place but after a while, you're supposed to know all the shortcuts and familiarise yourself with the area. Especially when you're already eighteen. And at eighteen, people are not supposed to depend on others to guide them through different stages of life. They're supposed to know what course of study they want to take by now and what goals they want to achieve in life. You're supposed to have a direction, a clear pathway of where you're going. Ru Min, you're eighteen. You're totally lost. Where are you?
Life has been really hectic nowadays with assignments and assessments flung in my direction (EVEN NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE DIRECTIONS. I GIVE UP!). I'm slowly accepting the fact that I'll never finish a book as fast as I used to in my childhood days. I guess that's the price you have to pay for growing up. I know I shouldn't blame my piles of homework for neglecting my family and friends but I don't feel like putting the blame on myself. I've forgone so many Skype dates and ignored most of my friends' messages just because I'm "too busy with homework and exams right now". Get real, there will ALWAYS be homework and exams. I should really learn how to spend time with PEOPLE I love and not THINGS that I DON'T love.
I know this is so sudden but I just realised that I have never mentioned how much I love you and I'm not afraid to announce it publicly. I really do mean it no matter how doubtful you are about my sincerity (I know you too well). I honestly can't believe that our rivalry from the beginning has sprouted into such a fruitful friendship and I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a wonderful friend. I guess most people don't see you the way I do because they know nothing about you but I know you'll not falter because of them. Clearly, we both know they're just plain shallow and unable to comprehend anything beneath the surface. Seeing you maturing in your thoughts and actions brings pure joy into my life. I'm constantly overwhelmed each time I read your posts because they never fail to surprise me with fresh views and different perspectives of yours, providing me space to let my mind wander and yet at the same time reminding me to keep my feet on the ground. Your choice of words cannot be any more beautiful and transparent than they already are, and that just goes to show how true you are to yourself. I admire you for being so clear-cut, no-nonsense and straightforward. And in my eyes, you're beautiful. For showering me with violence to hide your affection, for being entirely yourself all the time and for not conforming to the expectations of society, thank you so much. Really miss you, old friend. And whether you like it or not, believe it or not, give a damn about it or not, I truly love you for who you are. From the bottom of my heart. To the moon and back. Forever and always.
I felt an overpowering drive to send that to a friend just now. Really had to get it out of my system and no matter how cheesy and mushy it sounds, that's how I truly felt about her. I don't know whether I typed that out of guilt or due to my sudden realisation that I never actually told her before how much she meant to me but either ways, my love for her is true. Idiot, don't be so sceptical for once. Yes, I'm talking to you. I know you're reading this.
Ironically, I always tell myself that I'm doing the right thing. I'm supposed to focus. At this age, eighteen, now, I must focus on my future. Keep my head in the game, don't lose track in my studies, don't fall back and get back up when I do. Whenever I neglect my family/friends, I convince myself that it's for a good cause - my future. I'm sacrificing them for my future. I'm studying to ace the tests, to get good grades, to enter a famous university, to get a good course. When all this ends and I've finally achieved what I long for, I'll go back to them. I'll pay back everything I owe to my parents, settle all my debts with my friends. That'll do the trick. Thinking like that, I'll feel less guilty and continue being a cold person towards them.
But the ultimate question is, When?
When will all this end? After this foundation year? Really? When will I get what I want? What do I even want? If these sort of things will come to an end, why do workaholics exist? Are they still in search of what they want? I think I might end up like them. A workaholic. I'll end up like one. I can already picture myself locked in a room, burying my head deep in heaps of work late in the night. I will tell myself that I don't deserve to have any fun because my work isn't completely done yet. And if I really rebelled against myself and hung out with a friend or two, I know I'll feel so guilty for not finishing my work that I'll punish myself and work twice as hard. I'll vow to complete everything before going out ever again.
But then again, when will I ever finish all my work? The chances are never.
Oh, my God. I really do sound like a true workaholic. However, being such a rigid person, I can only allow myself to be either one or the other. Definitely can't stand grey areas. It's either I end up a workaholic or a party animal and obviously, I'll go for the former any day because I'd rather be working like a dog and getting cash than being broke from partying like there's no tomorrow. Ugh, I hate this. The older you get, the more decisions you have to make. No wonder the faces of children are always flushed with bliss whereas adults have worry written all over theirs.
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Sunday, March 10, 2013 @ 11:00 PM
And I'm actually struggling a lot because of barriers of communication. It's not that I can't speak good English or the ang mohs here can't understand me but I can't speak good MANDARIN and most of the people here are from CHINA so they can't understand the crap I'm talking about. I realised many of them would just nod when I say something (even asking a question, WTH) although they don't get me. Jil Ee was the one who normally translated my gibberish crap for their understanding because she always switches her accent to the ching chong one. I guess I could as well but I just don't want to. I've never liked the ching chong accent. Too... Ugh. Yep, that's it. UGHHH. And I'm really annoyed by the fact that they mocked the way I speak Mandarin and kept asking me to improve my Mandarin. Like hello? You guys should improve your English instead. After all, English IS the international language, WTH. We're not in China, for heaven's sake. People speak English in Australia for a reason. That's why sometimes I'm just so sick of talking to the people here or even just mingling around with people. I seek asylum in the little room of mine, snuggling under my thick sheets and scrolling through mah homies' Tumblrs, not giving a flip about speaking perfect Mandarin in an English-speaking country, dammit.
After a while, I got used to these broken people floating around me and let's be honest, I'm one of the broken people or else why would I end up in this rehabilitation centre in the first place? This morning, I woke up with a prayer in my head. I mean, like, the minute I was awake, my brain formed a prayer and I was praying silently in my head. I admit that I don't normally pray in the morning but this morning, I thanked God for everything that's happened to me. He has been so good to me despite the challenges I'd faced and the stuck-up people I had to deal with everyday. He has placed me in this remote town for a reason and I have to find out what that reason is. I'm really grateful that I'd found a church to go to now, a church similar to FuXion. The people there were really friendly to me and I felt so at home. Nevertheless, nothing beats FuXion services back in Malaysia and mah homies who're nicely mean to me. Does that even make sense? LOL.
Lastly, no matter how much I wanna deny it, I still miss my parents. We FaceTimed that day and they started their usual bickering (although Dad always said, "Let's not argue in front of the children lah!") on the other side of the screen and here I was, staring at both of them while a million things zoomed through my mind and just then, everything went blank. All I did was stared at those two old kids arguing with each other out of habit, wanting to prove themselves right as always due to the high ego they both possess, with my mind completely empty. Blank. Null.
I realised how much I love them. I actually LOVE them. Oh, my God. I must be insane. How can this be? Am I even making sense? Do I really love my parents? Am I freaking kidding myself? Walao. But to think how much they've put in for me, put out for me, put aside for me, put UP with me. Shit. I must be insane to NOT be in love with them both. I'm constantly pushing them away, ignoring their texts, avoiding their phone calls, being rude to them when I finally answered the call, etc. But they've never been sick of my bloody attitude, always offering themselves to me, lending me their eager ears and being there for me 24/7.
And suddenly, it's all crystal clear. I finally know why I'm here, here in this rehabilitation centre.
Because you, Ru Min, are so terribly messed up. You're so broken, worse than broken - shattered, that even fixing might not help.
What have you done to yourself?
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Sunday, January 27, 2013 @ 1:31 PM
And perhaps I like kids, after all. They may be annoying and noisy and a hell lot of trouble but when you think about the shit they have to face in the future, you just want them to stay kids forever to protect them from the world. I guess I have developed the slightest affinity towards them.
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Thursday, January 24, 2013 @ 12:45 AM
I was doing some last minute packing today and when I was about to stuff my bible into my handbag, that piece of paper fell out. I was thirteen and visiting my friend's church that Sunday. I remembered the Sunday school teacher asking us to write what we're waiting for to gain in five years' time and that was what I wrote. I was amazed that I actually wished and prayed for those things and they DID come true and God actually DID answer them although I've totally forgotten about it. God really never fails. He never forgets you even if you've forgotten yourself.
I truly believe in waiting upon the Lord and not just saying it with words. People may have said it millions of times - I know I've said it millions of times - but His timing is always PERFECT. I remembered being angry at Him for not granting me the scholarship to go overseas at that time and that's why I wrote those wishes. God knows best, be it career choices or relationships or even trivial things. Five years later since I last wrote that, He's sending me overseas for better education. He gave me a scholarship. He made the waiting stop. All in five years' time. That's how precise He is. And during those moments when you're asked to write down your wishes for something, you'll tend to be very sceptical about it. "Aiya, I won't get it one lah!" That's why people called it "wishful thinking". Perhaps if you wrote down your wishes and PRAYED for them, they become PRAYER REQUESTS and sooner or later, you'll get what you want, all in His timing. :)
On a totally different note, these questions have been floating around in my head lately and I'm just gonna let them out. When people say, "We should hang out some time!", do they wanna go out with you or are they just saying it out of habit? When people greet, "How are you?", are they genuinely asking that or are they just being polite? When people ask, "Are you okay?", do they really want to know your condition or are they just expecting the usual "I'm okay"? What if I say, "I'm not okay", what will happen, then? What will they do? Most probably freak out because that's not according to plan.
Why do people have to throw words with empty meanings in to fill the void between people they love? Shouldn't they feel comfortable being in silence with each other just as how they're comfortable talking nonsense to them? I wonder why we say things we don't mean all the time, even if it's not hurtful and we don't regret it. And lastly, the one question that has been circulating my mind the most lately : When people say, "I'll miss you!", do they really mean it or are they just saying it out of courtesy? Like they're so used to saying that to someone who's leaving that they already have that phrase prepared at the tip of their tongue. As if it's already on autopilot mode, saying it but not truly meaning it.
I mean, seriously. Miss me?
Would you?
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Saturday, January 5, 2013 @ 2:10 PM
It was pretty hard at first because the instant I stopped going online, I felt I had so much free time on my hands, I didn't know what to do. Eventually, I got used to it and did things. Like actually DID things, you know. I actually TALKED to people FACE-TO-FACE, not on FACEBOOK. And spent time with friends in FLESH rather than over Viber/Skype. Also, Indigo by Yiruma, I finally learnt how to play it on the piano. FINALLY. I've been wanting to learn that song since I came back from Vietnam but I was just too engrossed in listening to the song itself and didn't bother to take any solid actions. NVM, all's well now. I can finally play it on the piano, not very good and needs more practice, though. But ahhh, the sense of achievement is overwhelming! I should fast more. :B And I went swimming with my brother the other day and realised I didn't know how to swim anymore, WTH. What a discovery. I almost drowned three times and died but he just HAD to save me. Why lah? Should have just let me scream, flap my arms around in the water and die, right? LOL. Okay lah, I can still swim lah but I'm not very good at it already. Rusty skills. :( On the other hand, I spent some quality time with my brother (aww). We didn't talk crap and joke around as usual but really talked about life. Serious. No rush at all in our convos. I'd never admit it but it was lovely, talking to my brother. :') It's been
Not a good thing but I'm currently watching Boys Over Flowers, teehee. I know it's such an ancient show but I didn't get to watch it; I've been wanting to watch it in a while. I'm only on episode 10 now, heh. So many good actors/actresses there whey like Lee Jung Joon, Han Chae Young, Lee Si-Young and Kim Bum, AMAGARRRD. Must stop gushing about them and their looks, you guys don't need to deal with those nonsense, HAHA. BUT REALLY, THEY'RE SO GOOD-LOOKING, OMGWTHBBQ. I KENOTZ. Ru Min, stahp. STAHP NAO. *takes a deep breath* Alright, moving on.
I'm really glad that I'm not acting like a sloth nowadays or just staying in my pyjamas all day long like I'm bedridden, LOL. Unfortunately, the arguments with them didn't stop. One took place on New Year's Day itself, dayum. It's like we've been living on a different wavelength since last year and IDK whether it's because they're growing old and becoming all emotional/distress/sensitive (yes, sounds about right) or it's because of me growing up and able to form my own opinions about things that differ from theirs and that's why they just can't accept my views. Or me, for that matter. That's why a part of me is silently grateful that I'm leaving because I can no longer stand them. I'm such a bad daughter. -_- Aiya, I don't know lah. I wish they'd just give me a break. No wonder the pastor said this year will be a year of storms and trials. How true. Lord, please save this frustrated soul.
On a lighter note, my friend actually called me (it's surprising because nobody likes to waste credit, lulz) to talk about stuff. When she exclaimed, "You're fasting from the internet? No wonder lah, didn't reply me! You should've told me you're fasting lah! What if someone talks to you online and you didn't reply? You have to tell people you're fasting!" That got me worrying. I actually thought about it before she mentioned it but I didn't think it'd matter. I mean, my friends wouldn't die if I didn't talk to them for a week, right? I bet nobody even wants to talk to me. Like finally, this pest of a Ru Min is gone. Peace at last. HAHAHA. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that it'll be more polite to go online once to tell my friends I'm fasting just in case. I didn't want them wasting their time waiting for my reply if it's urgent but on the other hand, I really don't want to break my fast. :/ When I was about to give in a few days later, I suddenly came across this scripture :
Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." - Luke 9 : 61-62
Just like that. Two verses. It was exactly like my situation (but mine is at a smaller scale, of course) and God spoke to me. I realised there's always a cost for following Jesus and I should always put Him first before anything else. I didn't break my fast in the end, thank God. And I'm sorry for not replying any of your messages (if you'd even sent any, lulz). I'm not avoiding you so don't be so paranoid, HAHA. Will reply ASAP if urgent.
I'm so chuffed that I started 2013 by fasting, really. It was a good break from the cyber world. Spent time talking to God about my future and all my troubles; He just told me not to worry and find rest in Him. Such reassurance can be found nowhere but only in the Lord. :) 2012 was a terrible year for me (and everyone else, I found out) and I'm sure 2013 will be ten times worst but I'm surprisingly calm. At last, it'd dawned on me that it's God who's been placing problems in my life. They exist for a reason - to strengthen me, to make me grow and to never lose faith. With You as my anchor and the captain of my soul, the thundering storms and crashing waves are nothing; I refuse to sink.
Once again, and never enough, thank You. Cheers to a challenging but rewarding year ahead. x
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