Saturday, December 22, 2012 @ 10:43 PM
I came back from FuXion Camp 2012 last Tuesday and the theme this year was The Movement. It was... Different. I have been going to this church camp since I was eleven but nothing significant happened to me, that's why I was so reluctant to go this year. Partly because I was angry at God for the things that happened throughout 2012 and also mad because He has touched so many people; so many of my friends have experienced the Holy Spirit and felt so free but not me. NOT ME. WHY? -_- Plus the whole camp is always so predictable and the burning fire and spirit in everyone always die down after camp, what more could I expect? I guess I'm just really disappointed about everything and somewhat sick and tired of going to church camps year after year without experiencing any changes. But I couldn't possibly skip this camp because I had to play the keyboard for P&W and Bryan picked me as a group leader. WHY? Get away from me!
But wow, it was different. Entirely, extremely different. God really works in different ways. The first and second night was like the third night and the third night was just so peaceful in His presence. I don't think I'm making any sense but campers should get this, haha. I have been so burdened and frustrated a few months before camp due to I-don't-know-what and I brought the unhappiness to camp. Many people saw through my smiles; I thought they were pleasant enough? On the first night, everyone was just basking in His presence. There was no sermon by Ps. Daniel, no service at all for the first time in NEVER, lulz. The second day was kinda killer for me. I was so mentally exhausted by so many things (stupid brain cannot stop thinking, WTH), I didn't want to go for service at night. I'm really glad that I went to the beach with Odelia before dinner and talk about stuff, though. She's a really good listener, can't thank her enough. It was pouring slightly but the view during dusk was magnificent. :)
I did go for the service in the end. The pastor was just preaching a little while we worshipped God and then suddenly, he said he wanted to pray for our fears. Then it hit me. Fear. I was so fearful. Fearful of the past, fearful of the present, fearful of the future. Fearful of everything. Fear of rejection. That fear stood out the most. He asked us to go in front if we needed him to pray for our fears so I did. Normally, I wouldn't budge because I'm too... Shy? Don't know. A huge crowd formed in front and I was just another one of them. So many people were as fearful as me, I realised. Should've known I wasn't alone, after all. Never was.
Then, the weirdest thing happened. Ps. Daniel scanned the entire crowd and his eyes landed on me. And he called me up to pray for me. Among so many people, he chose me? I've never been chosen to be prayed for before; normally, I'll just wait for my turn. Wow, what a surprise. He prayed for me out loud and I just agreed like I usually do. Suddenly, he leant in close to my ear and whispered, "I can see your legs are in chains. They are not very big and you can step out of them easily but you choose to stay in that position. I just want you to know that your past doesn't determine your future and you no longer have to be fearful of it. Be bold and step out, leave your past behind. You don't walk alone; God walks with you." And with that, Niagara Falls. I'm really not an emotional person and it takes me a lot to cry but after hearing those words, I couldn't stop the tears. Overwhelmed, I was.
Everything Ps. Daniel said was spot-on, no denying that fact. Something happened to me long ago that made me so fearful of rejection but I thought it was just a petty matter so I just stuffed it behind my head. Yea, it was a bloody small issue but I didn't know it was slowly eating me from the inside. Or maybe I was avoiding the fact that it DID affect me? Littlest things matter the most, I should've known. Either way, I felt free. That God actually knows what's happening and He does touch people. Not feeling God's presence before made me feel He's so surreal sometimes and I was always silently sceptical when people shared their testimonies on how they felt the Holy Spirit. Like why am I not feeling His love when the rest of the universe has that priviledge? But I did that night. The feeling was so strong, it was indescribable.
I felt pretty embarrassed crying in front although I'm sure no one was watching but I quickly stopped crying and ran back to my own place. People around me were praying and crying; God was among us. I sat down and swam around in my own thoughts. Sandra then approached me and just hugged me so tight, I started crying again. This time, I just let it go. All of it. I just cried and cried and cried like never before. Thoughts flowed with my tears. Being bold and letting go of everything; courageous to start anew.
I had another encounter with the Holy Spirit on the third night, too. But that time I didn't cry and laughed instead. Laughed because I just felt plain happy. Laughed away all my troubles and frustrations. Laughed at how it beats me to why He made me because I'm so useless and unworthy. Laughed at how very alive I was. I laughed until I didn't know why I was laughing; I just felt so joyful that the laughter just came naturally and it didn't leave. I felt so at ease in the peaceful atmosphere, it's really a great crazy feeling I can't explain.
God is truly amazing and I'm not saying this because this is what people expect us Christians to say. I really love how He works in our lives according to His own timing. Jesus replied, "You do not realise now what I am doing, but later you will understand." That's John 13:7 for you, my favourite verse. When I'm confused/frustrated by my troubles or angry at Him for the terrible things that keep happening to me, that verse reminds me to always trust Him and have faith. Be patient and wait upon the Lord because He always knows what He's doing. God doesn't put us in situations we can't handle. Very well said by a friend, hits me every time.
Indeed, The Movement. I have certainly been moved by Him and now is not the time to stop but to keep moving along, moving forward. Well, this is the testimony that I never shared because I had no guts, haha. I hope this made something click in your head and opened your eyes to a whole new perspective. Thanks for reading. :)
Awestruck by His love.
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Whisk me away