Friday, November 30, 2012 @ 6:50 PM
As boring as it sounds, I've dreamt of being a doctor since I was in preschool. I used to play around with my mum's stethoscope (not toy stethoscope; this shit is serious, HAHA) and pretended I was a doctor listening to the heartbeat of the couch and TV. Whenever teacher asked about our ambition, I'd stand up proudly and announce, "I want to be a doctor!" And another hundred of my classmates will say the same thing because they didn't know what they want to do in the future. -_- When I was ten, I realised I was afraid of blood. Or more specifically, my own blood. I was learning how to ride a bike when my dad let go of it and it fell on me. The spikes pierced through my left calf and it was so painful but I didn't cry... UNTIL I saw blood trickling down my legs. Then I cried. Lulz. I howled and wailed and screamed. It was so creepy! Blood is so scary! Icky crimson red substance, eww! Okay, one of my deepest fears revealed. Don't laugh at me, please.
I guess I can strike doctor off my list of ambitions. I know I don't have to be a surgeon and face blood everyday if I really wanted to be a doctor; I could be a paed like mum but that's like so... Underachieved. I mean, why would you study so hard to settle for less? No, the kiasu streak in me just kenotz. Anyway, perspective changes. Mind changes, opinion changes and feelings change. I changed. Last year, I found out being a doctor wasn't what I want, after all. Everyone was counting on me to be like my parents but I finally realised that's not what I want. For a short while, I wanted to be an accountant because I scored 100 for my first Accounts test, HAHA. That dream didn't live long when I settled for actuarial science. I love Add Maths A LOT and Physics and Chemistry intrigued me (Biology not so much) so I wanna be an actuarist!
Throughout my entire life, I've never argued THIS much with my parents to get what I want. This year, we constantly fought because I wanted to be an actuarist. They were devastated when they found out another one of their daughters won't be becoming a doctor. Not to be proud or anything but my parents have always believed I was the one among my three siblings who'll continue their profession one day. When suddenly, this idiotic girl came up and told them she wants to be an actuarist? OVER THEIR DEAD BODY. "You'll have so many exams to go through! Like a million times more and harder than SPM!" "You'll have a tough time being an actuarist and you can never be your own boss!" "You'll be in the business world - that, that dog-eat-dog world! Very scary!" They made up excuses so lame that they're almost hilarious. Being stubborn isn't a good thing but at least my stubborness got me what I wanted; they eventually agreed to let me take up that career. On a side note, I feel that you can view my stubborness in two ways. You can say I'm either a very stubborn person (negative) or a very persistent person (positive). Let's just settle with the latter, heh. :B
I guess they're just worried that I don't know what I want in life and "too young to think", that's why they're deciding everything for me to the point that it's really ticking me off. -_- I hate to admit this but a part of me wants to be an actuarist not because I REALLY want to be one but because I'm being rebellious and NOT want to be a doctor. Yea, childish, I know. But being a persistent person, if some time down the lane I realise being an actuarist isn't my thing after all, I'll still strive to finish what I've started because I'm a perfectionist. That's why I'm not so worried lah, thank God for this obsessive trait. :) My parents have paid for my course so the deal is sealed. I'm gonna be an actuarist already, yay!
Or so I thought.
I woke up early this morning to accompany my mum to the hospital. She's been having lower abdominal pain since her last surgery to remove something (you don't have to know that, heh) so she's arranged to have colonoscopy performed on her. We waited in a room called the "Day Care" ward after mum changed into scrubs before she had the scope. I brought my Mandarin books to study but I couldn't concentrate lah. The Mandarin characters made me sleepy so I wandered out of the ward, looking around and being a kepoh as usual. And then I came across the nursery and looked inside. I almost squealed! The most adorable newborns were in their cribs, eyes have yet to open! They were so tiny like the size of a puppy and they were so cute!
I thought I hated babies and kids BUT SERIOUSLY, RU MIN. YOU DON'T HATE THEM AT ALL. I stared at them like a paedo but I just couldn't leave. Too cute, TOO CUTE. I could've cried for them because so many babies don't make it. A great life lies ahead of them. Or a shitty one, lulz. Depends on themselves lah, right? :B
Level 7. It was the gynae and paeds floor. I slowly soaked in everything. The dimly lit hallways that don't seem to end, nurses buzzing around, doctors speaking in medical terms. I remembered a friend once told me she wanted to be a doctor so bad but after spending a day in a hospital, she gave up that ambition because she couldn't take the medical environment. I went back into the ward to find mum lying on the bed while the nurses pushed her out. Finally, it's her turn to go for the scope. We entered the lift to go down to Level 2. People shuffled in and out of the lift on every floor; everyone was so busy. At last, we arrived on Level 2 and mum was pushed around in the hallways until we arrived at a ward called "Receiving Bay".
And at that split second when I caught her faint smile before she was pushed into the ward, something in me clicked. A spark went off. A flame ignited. It burnt, just like the passion I had since young. The dream was back.
At times like this, I wished I wasn't so rebellious/stubborn. I wished I wasn't so affected by my emotions. I wished I saw the bigger picture. I wished I knew what I really want. Yes, that's the problem, I finally see it. The problem is, I don't know what I want. And when people pressure me to do things I want (IKR, doing things I want also need to be pressured, WTH, I'm such an ass -_-), I will end up NOT doing it just because I'm pressured. Stupid. I don't think I'll regret doing actuarial science but since now I know that I actually STILL like the idea of me being a doctor, I should've listened to my parents lah. It seems they know me better than myself, dahell. No choice, decisions have been made, courses have been paid. Wow, that rhymes, HAHA.
Mum, drowsy AS, was pushed out of the ward a few hours later and we went back to Level 7. I attempted to study some Mandarin while waiting for her to regain consciousness but ended up wandering to the nursery again. There were other newborns by then, as adorable, nevertheless. I realised I really like babies and kids. Never thought I will, though. I've always been annoyed by babies and kids because they can't keep quiet for once. Yes, I sound like a grumpy old woman but I'm just stating the truth. But now I think they're little angels lah. I bet I was ten times noisier than them when I was younger, LOL.
If I were to be a doctor, maybe I'd be a gynae or a paed like mum (God forbid, HAHA!). I went back to the ward and waited a little longer before mum finally woke up. She sat there like a doll for a few seconds before she turned to me and said, "So, do you want to be a doctor?" I was like the crap. Dude. You already paid for my course, remember? "You can always switch." she said. The minute I heard I had a CHOICE, a DECISION to make, I freaked out a little.
I guess I'm one who doesn't like making decisions, that's why I'm such a fickle-minded person. If I can't decide on something, I'd rather have nothing. And I'd prefer if I wasn't fed any choices so I can just tell myself, "Okay, no choice. You just have to accept it. God's will." In a way, I'm also very lazy lah because I hate choosing. Maybe I shouldn't complain so much about my "freedom to choose" when people make decisions for me because they're actually doing me a huge favour, LOL. I don't know whether she was being serious about the switch but if she was, I know it'll cost more money. AND I know if I said YES, she'll go all out to switch my course. As you can see, determination runs in the family, heh. Okay, I'm kinda scared now. God gave me a second chance and this time round, I get to choose.
Now. Two choices, Ru Min. Doctor or actuarist? Your pick.
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