Friday, August 19, 2011 @ 10:40 AM
"YOUR FIRST SONG WAS LIKE SHIT, MAN!"
That's the first thing my mum said the minute I stepped out of the room.
I was feeling pretty confident about myself when I entered the hotel. All my friends had already wished me the best of luck - thanks a lot for the support :) - and I thought I could pass this time. I was the first candidate, waiting to be slaughtered by the examiner's criticisms. Silently memorising the periods for my aural test in my seat in the foyer, a giant bloke with rosy pink cheeks appeared out of nowhere. The examiner. He wanted to start early. Oh, good God.
I put on my best-est smile and greeted him as cheerfully as I could when I strutted into the examination room although my heart was pumping furiously. Scales were fine until the arpeggios. Minor mistakes led to major ones. I didn't know why I kept mumbling an apology every time I hit a wrong note or started off wrongly. I mean, seriously, do you think the examiner will care? He's just waiting eagerly for a mistake to happen to fail you lah, dumb shit.
His smile was tight when he told me to play my first song. I flipped open my exam pieces calmly and placed my fingers on the right keys, ready to start. But sadly, malang tidak berbau. I'd already struck the wrong note in the first bar. THAT PART WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE WRONG. If I'd played wrongly at the last few bars of the piece, I'd understand 'cause those bars are my weakest, BUT THIS? THE BEGINNING? TUUT! I feel like slapping myself all over. I apologised (for the millionth time) and started again. The whole song was a wreck. It was supposed to be an okay song but it turned out to be a piece of shit. Sadness overload.
I breathed heavily after finishing up the remnants of the song. So many stops and hiccups in between I couldn't keep track. My fingers were numb and cold. I was shaking when I played my second song. I didn't even bother to play with the dynamics on and the whole piece was boring. I'd practically given up on the entire exam; I just wanted everything to end quickly. My third piece... wasn't my best either. Like I've said, one mistake led to another. Chain reaction. Like dominoes.
The examiner was kind enough to give me an easy sight-reading piece but even that I couldn't play well. My butter fingers got tangled up and there were plenty of missing notes. No dynamics, no tempo, no slurs, no articulation, no nothing. The examiner took in a sharp intake of breath before continuing on to the aural test. I sang like a frog for the first part. -_- My voice got caught in my throat and I croaked, like literally. I think I even got my cadences wrong. What the heck. Next, I was supposed to sing a short phrase but my voice couldn't reach the note (too high) so the examiner suggested we switched to another song. Sure sign of failing. :(
Lastly, he played a short piece and I was supposed to talk about the period, texture, character, mood and stuff. I stammered and had all my words mixed up. Shucks. Everything that happened in that half an hour was like shit. Shit to the max. He seemed relieved when it was time for me to go. I tried my best to leave with my head held high but as soon as I pushed open the door, my pride crumbled. Like an ancient brick building.
My parents were already discussing whether I should retake the exam next year. Obviously, they're positive that the examiner's gonna fail me. I think so, too. My mum was furious. My dad was disappointed. I was frustrated. I screamed my lungs out when I was at the carpark before entering my mum's car. In there, she told me that it served me right for not listening to her advice; I really should have, after all, she'd scored a distinction for her last grade. Served me right.
However, I refuse to speak about negativity because negative comments attract negative outcomes; there's no Murphy's law in there according to the bible. I don't even wanna think/admit that I'd fail my Grade 8, no way.
The mouths of fools are their ruin; they trap themselves with their lips.- Proverbs 18 : 7
I still hope for a miracle. My dad hadn't gone completely bonkers like my mum and he gave me a comforting speech over the phone just now. I'm praying really hard that God will show me a miracle although I'd already done so badly. Now, it's all up to Him.
Fingers crossed.0 Hullabaloo(s) : contribute
Whisk me away