Saturday, August 6, 2011 @ 8:14 PM
I've been emo-ing a lot this week. Must be the fever that's gotten to me. :( I feel like dying.
Went to my first Mandarin class just now after seven long months. It feels weird to write Mandarin characters again, like my brain is not programmed to do those stuff anymore. I see the teacher's lips moving but I can't make out what he's trying to say. I don't get a single word. I kept asking my friend beside me for help. So many simple words I've forgotten how to write, words that I no longer understand. She must have been so sick of my questions.
Mandarin has been my worst subject all along and now it's beyond worst. Whenever I wanna write a Mandarin character, I stare at my paper for a second before the word hits me. Sadness flushes over me every time this occurs. I remembered last time although my Mandarin's bad, I still knew how to write some flamboyant phrases. At least a few of them. Now, none. Nothing. Nil. Zero. I feel like crying.
Yes, for fifteen long years I've loathed Mandarin and longed not to learn that language all my life. Now, I've finally gotten what I'd wanted... but that's not exactly what I want anymore. My parents don't know Mandarin and they struggled when Mandarin-speaking patients approached them. Come to think of it, to stop learning Mandarin after fifteen years is such a waste. I've missed seven months of Mandarin and now I'm struggling.
My old friends throw me funny looks when I ask them the simplest of words. I don't know how to write a Mandarin essay anymore and sometimes, I don't get what my friends are trying to tell me. I no longer speak fluently (not that I did last time, but better than now at the very least) and my tuition teacher looks at me as if I were the stupidest person in the world. He wouldn't believe me if I told him I got an A for Mandarin in my PMR last year. Who would at this rate I'm going? :(
Can't help feeling sorrowful that I've lost something that had never meant as much to me as now. Sometimes, we don't know how much something means to us until we lose it. So very true.
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Whisk me away