Monday, June 24, 2013 @ 12:30 AM
I can't.
It's semester break, my semester exams are over, all my friends have gone home to party. Me? I am still here, alone, with all these. Writing, filling, rushing for deadlines. Not because I was procrastinating that's why I am rushing but because I have exams before that, and work before exams. The same question haunts me everyday : When will it end?
I keep asking myself why I am doing all this. Why I am doing this to myself. I keep telling myself that it is what I have chosen. It is all worth it. All my work is worth it. God rewards those who work hard to achieve. But then again, am I working that hard? Am I being melodramatic and in actual fact, I'm just working averagely? I feel so mediocre, anyway. There are certainly many others who are working doubly hard and are still going strong yet they don't claim for holidays, they don't rest, they don't need a break so why do I?
I noticed how my heart beats with a different pace every time. I think I am panicking and my heart is having a hard time pumping enough blood throughout my system to allow me to breathe. Is that why I am feeling so out of breath right now when all I am doing is just sitting here?
All I am doing is just sitting here.
Sounds relatively simple yet you have no idea what I am doing besides "sitting here". How would you?
I am losing it. Or am I losing myself? Are they even the same?
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Whisk me away
Tuesday, June 11, 2013 @ 9:45 PM
Have to get this off my chest today :
You may know a person for a really long time and yet you can never fully know the person. Nobody is entirely transparent, nobody is without secrets. When you slowly discover the lives of those whom you refer to as your friends, quirks and conflicts may arise but that's normal because everyone's different. That, I can accept. But here's something to consider : Your friends are called your "friends" for a reason, they're not called your "family" because your family accepts you for who you are; they can stand how shitty your attitude is and they can tolerate you for being such a B. Besides, they're most probably forced to accept you given the fact that they're stuck with you as "family" - there's no escaping God's arrangement.
But your friends DON'T have to accept you.
The world doesn't evolve around you so stop being so self-centered. Your friends can drop you whenever they want like they've never known your existence. You can say that those friends are not your real friends and such but come on, sometimes it's you who've caused a broken friendship. Being a selfish prude towards your friends, taking them for granted, thinking that what they do for you everyday is something they owe you because "they're my friends what, they're supposed to treat me well". Continue having that mindset and one day you'll realise how many friends you've lost. You say you don't give a damn whether they've left you or not because "real friends will stay" but please, stop creating excuses for yourself. People always say that true friends will accept you for who you really are but that doesn't mean you have a right to be a giant jerk to them. Your friends love you for who you are but don't take it for granted, don't take it too far, because they may love you but they don't HAVE to. They may be someone you've known really long and you've grown very comfortable with (or even sick of) them but that doesn't mean you have the right to abuse that friendship. Friends are humans, too. Everyone has a limit. Not all your friends will point out your flaws to you because they might not want to embarrass/hurt you or they're afraid that you might get mad/annoyed or they feel that it's none of their business. But if a close friend was brave enough to confront you about your attitude and point out your flaws, just take it in stride. It is undeniably embarrassing at first and can really hurt your high ego but seriously, aren't we all striving to be better people? They tell you because they care for you and want you to change. They don't want you to bring that lousy attitude to your workplace in the future that may cost you your job. And frankly, they're also quite sick of how you're treating them like scum.
If all you're expecting from people are compliments, how are you supposed to grow? If you know a certain flaw that you possess, work to change. It's easier said than done but with time, it will be done. And during that period of change, that's when you can observe who your true friends are because only they will have the patience to stay by your side and help you through; the rest will leave because they've given up on you completely. That's okay, you're just weeding out the parasites, then. There's no harm becoming a better person; don't constantly be a huge jerk to them just because "my true friends know this is how I am", "they can stand it" or "they can accept me for who I am, not like some people". Grow up and learn to treat others with respect; not everyone will have such a high tolerance level in life. Your friends don't owe you anything, neither does anyone, so stop acting like a stuck-up B who owns the lives of others.
And gosh, just stop using your friends because they're "your friends". It's so irritating when people think they can trample all over you just because you regard them as friends. Shit you, they're your friends. They're people, not tools. Old friends, new friends, close friends, hi-bye friends - nobody deserves that treatment from you. If you want something, ask for it first. Don't assume that people are obliged to give you what you want; everyone has the right to say NO. Just because "they're your friends" doesn't mean you can take whatever and whenever you want. They may not tell you how they feel about you but be more considerate. Think about others for once and put yourself in their shoes. How'd you feel if your friends took your items for their own benefit even after you've said NO? I can tell you it's really bloody annoying and hurtful to know that your so-called "friends" don't respect your decision.
Lastly, don't be stingy about helping others. Why so selfish? So many people help you everyday (but you don't realise it because that's how ungrateful you are) so isn't it time for you to give back? If you're not ready to give then don't be so thick-skinned to take. If you don't respect others, at least show some respect for yourself. Are you really that shameless? Taking other people's things like you own them? Hell. Whatever it is, only your family will accept how bipolar you are (not really, some families can't even stand each other). Continue being like this and that'll reassure people that it's time to move on from being friends with you. Your friends deserve better, anyway. And don't be surprised if someone starts spreading negative comments about your attitude, it may or may not be true, but there's always a little truth behind every rumour. Look at yourself, how have you been treating people lately? If your conscience is untainted then there's no need to feel guilty/worried. But honestly, no one dislikes someone who's nice unless they're Bs themselves. If you've heard bad things about you, it's most probably your own fault.
I'm done speaking in general. If you think I'm directing this post to you then I am.
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Thursday, June 6, 2013 @ 1:18 AM
You can work so hard and do your best, not try, but DO your best and still lose everything. People look at you like you're one lifeless nerd who don't know how to socialise and have zero communication skills. You'd think to yourself that it'll all cease to matter as you enter a prestigious university so you just ignored those people and studied doubly hard. You're expected to get good grades and you did since you've studied very hard so you started to be picky about your career/university choices. But in the end, you found out you're not the least bit qualified to enter. Why didn't the studying pay off? Did you work yourself to death for nothing? If studying was the only thing you're known for and yet you can't even get into a famous university, what is the point of your existence? And you thought you had a choice if you're smart? Little did you know, you may be smart but you're just not smart enough.
At times like this, I wish I knew someone, other than God, who had the time and wouldn't mind me pouring out my soul to them. They'd just sit there and listen while I release all my frustration and anger and disappointment on how unfair life can be. They'd just allow me to cry and cry and cry freely till I'm completely spent. They'd not ask me what's wrong, what's happened. They'd not fumble around for the "right" words to console me, they'd not try to cheer me up. They'd not judge me with every word I try to speak. They'd not fling their thoughts and opinions at me, the maybes, the perhaps, the what ifs, of what might have caused it to happen just to rationalise my mind. They'd just sit there and listen quietly, patiently, while I try my best to use words and form sentences in between gasps for air after crying so violently. They'd just let me cry till I'm contented, they'd just simply be a person I can release everything upon. And when I'm completely and utterly done, they'd just embrace me in a long and warm hug, not a word, then they'd release me, let me go, walk away from me, just to give me some time to recollect myself, my thoughts, my feelings - they'd be everywhere by then, scattered, and trampled on by life.
I wish I knew someone like this.
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Thursday, May 30, 2013 @ 2:55 AM
Crying my soul out.
Crying my spirit out.
Cry till I use up every ounce of water in my body until I shrivel up and die.
Death.
Death seems to be the easiest thing to deal with right now since I am already halfway there.
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Thursday, April 18, 2013 @ 11:15 PM
Nevertheless, I'm still very happy to see my friends. It's only been two months but it felt like ages. I really do miss their company AND THEIR FREAKING ENGLISH. Even if they do speak Mandarin, it's with a Malaysian accent and not some CHING CHONG TING LONG CHANG CHONG CHENG.
Anyway, my mood has been really bad recently. Like rotten-eggs-and-tomatoes-smell bad - not even exaggerating. It's all because of my weight. I know, I know, I sound so superficial and bimbotic and I should love myself regardless of my size yada yada yada but come on! Who doesn't want a slim figure? I'm actually not asking for a skinny body but I just wanna go back to my original weight! :( I have been really affected by my weight lately and I can feel myself being so glum most of the days. I have gained 5kg since I left and IF YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME "Oh, that's not a lot what." THEN JUST SHUT UP BECAUSE IT IS. :( I just HATE myself for not being motivated enough to go to the gym when it's like five minutes away from my house, WTH. And I just LOATHE myself for not being able to control my food consumption everyday and just keep stuffing myself even though I am super bloated.
Even my phone is filled with mouthwatering pictures of food fresh off my friends' Tumblrs (you guys are seriously not helping). I don't know why I just. Can't. Control. Myself. UGH. It's like, "YAY, I SEE FOOD! MUST. FINISH. EVERYTHING. NOW." whenever I see ANYTHING that resembles food. After gobbling everything up like a pig, I'll regret like shit and feel like killing myself.
The worst part?
IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE. IT NEVER ENDS.
Honestly, I'm really upset with myself for my lack of control towards my own body. And the lack of initiative to exercise. I've gone back to doing my sit-ups and push-ups, anything to avoid running (because I'm such a lazy pig nowadays). I'm also following all sorts of weird advices like drinking a glass of cold water early in the morning and before meals, chewing 20 times before swallowing, switching cutlery and taking time to savour the food, etc. I have also been avoiding sugary, salty and oily food as much as I can but how much can I avoid, right? Those unhealthy food are delicious, sigh. I actually tweeted a list of food I HAVE to eat before I go back up the mountains and mum really bought some of them, yay. I didn't eat them, surprisingly. They're all still stacked up in my fridge. I don't know why I feel a weird sense of comfort to know that they're just... There. HAHA. But it's a good thing, right? At least nothing's going into my stomach when I'm still feeling stuffed.
Anyway, for the first few days I was so angry because my diet plan didn't work. I mean, DUDE. I am DEPRIVED of SO MUCH GLORIOUS FOOD for the sake of my weight, WHY IS THE DIET WORKING ON EVERYONE EXCEPT ME? I should've known that dieting won't really last long-term but I was so upset about it to the point where I almost broke down and cry because I didn't know what else to do (other than exercising). I wished I was anorexic/bulimic for a few times (no offence intended) and I even called up a company to ask about their appetite suppression pills (people reading this, please don't tell my parents). I was also really angry to God for granting me such a low metabolism rate. God, come on! All my friends eat 1238234123 plates of food everyday and they're still stick-thin, why can't I have that pleasure? :(
Well, after what felt like an eternity of nibbling small portions of sugarless/tasteless food and drinking plain water, I've lost 2kg (just weighed). Without exercising. I know it won't last long but still, YAYAYAYAY. I AM SO HAPPY I CAN CRY MY BLOOD VESSELS OUT. 8'D I really hope I can maintain this till I go back to my original weight. Fingers crossed. Okay, I just went down and took a bite out of Auntie Anne's delicious cinnamon pretzel when dad stopped me and said, "Stop eating, Ru Min. You haven't been exercising lately and you look so fat. You're making me really worried!" No shits given. I deserve my pretzel as a reward for losing 2kg. *gobbles up greedily*
I feel kinda suckish, though, because every night before I sleep, I'd tell myself that TOMORROW will be the day everything changes and I WILL start exercising. Never happens, obviously. I really wished I was as disciplined as I was last time. I remembered being so afraid of not being able to fit into my charity dinner dress until I went to the gym everyday for two hours, the crap. I almost reached my dream weight, okay! But at that time I still thought I looked fat so I didn't really bother. Ah, look at me now. *breaks down and sobs uncontrollably*
Still, it feels good to be home. :)
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Friday, April 5, 2013 @ 11:11 PM
"Eighteen."
"Ah, so will you be dropping by the pub later for a few drinks?"
Eighteen. Today, I turn eighteen. I can now enter clubs legally and go drinking if I want to. Should I feel excited? No. So many people younger than me have been going clubbing illegally since they're born so I guess it's no big deal.
"Haha, nah. I'm too good for that."
Honestly, I don't feel eighteen at all. As always, I feel ten years younger than my real age. I can't believe I can actually watch 18+ movies now without feeling like I've done something wrong but I just can't. I don't like kissing scenes; I'll automatically look away/close my eyes when they come up. Even if I'm old and wrinkly, I'll still do so because it's become more of a habit than a rule set by my parents. "Cut! Cut! Close your eyes! Young children shouldn't see this!" Young children. Hmm, I doubt that "young children" nowadays are more innocent than me.
I don't deserve to be eighteen. I feel like I'm supposed to accomplish so much more before I reach this age, like something is still lacking in my life, like I'm not mature enough to be eighteen. There are still so many things that I don't know, things like knowing my directions in life (literally and figuratively speaking), and that worries me a lot. I don't think people are supposed to get lost when they're eighteen. They're not supposed to depend on others to guide them through different routes in a foreign city. In the beginning, having no sense of direction is forgivable if you're in a new place but after a while, you're supposed to know all the shortcuts and familiarise yourself with the area. Especially when you're already eighteen. And at eighteen, people are not supposed to depend on others to guide them through different stages of life. They're supposed to know what course of study they want to take by now and what goals they want to achieve in life. You're supposed to have a direction, a clear pathway of where you're going. Ru Min, you're eighteen. You're totally lost. Where are you?
Life has been really hectic nowadays with assignments and assessments flung in my direction (EVEN NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE DIRECTIONS. I GIVE UP!). I'm slowly accepting the fact that I'll never finish a book as fast as I used to in my childhood days. I guess that's the price you have to pay for growing up. I know I shouldn't blame my piles of homework for neglecting my family and friends but I don't feel like putting the blame on myself. I've forgone so many Skype dates and ignored most of my friends' messages just because I'm "too busy with homework and exams right now". Get real, there will ALWAYS be homework and exams. I should really learn how to spend time with PEOPLE I love and not THINGS that I DON'T love.
I know this is so sudden but I just realised that I have never mentioned how much I love you and I'm not afraid to announce it publicly. I really do mean it no matter how doubtful you are about my sincerity (I know you too well). I honestly can't believe that our rivalry from the beginning has sprouted into such a fruitful friendship and I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a wonderful friend. I guess most people don't see you the way I do because they know nothing about you but I know you'll not falter because of them. Clearly, we both know they're just plain shallow and unable to comprehend anything beneath the surface. Seeing you maturing in your thoughts and actions brings pure joy into my life. I'm constantly overwhelmed each time I read your posts because they never fail to surprise me with fresh views and different perspectives of yours, providing me space to let my mind wander and yet at the same time reminding me to keep my feet on the ground. Your choice of words cannot be any more beautiful and transparent than they already are, and that just goes to show how true you are to yourself. I admire you for being so clear-cut, no-nonsense and straightforward. And in my eyes, you're beautiful. For showering me with violence to hide your affection, for being entirely yourself all the time and for not conforming to the expectations of society, thank you so much. Really miss you, old friend. And whether you like it or not, believe it or not, give a damn about it or not, I truly love you for who you are. From the bottom of my heart. To the moon and back. Forever and always.
I felt an overpowering drive to send that to a friend just now. Really had to get it out of my system and no matter how cheesy and mushy it sounds, that's how I truly felt about her. I don't know whether I typed that out of guilt or due to my sudden realisation that I never actually told her before how much she meant to me but either ways, my love for her is true. Idiot, don't be so sceptical for once. Yes, I'm talking to you. I know you're reading this.
Ironically, I always tell myself that I'm doing the right thing. I'm supposed to focus. At this age, eighteen, now, I must focus on my future. Keep my head in the game, don't lose track in my studies, don't fall back and get back up when I do. Whenever I neglect my family/friends, I convince myself that it's for a good cause - my future. I'm sacrificing them for my future. I'm studying to ace the tests, to get good grades, to enter a famous university, to get a good course. When all this ends and I've finally achieved what I long for, I'll go back to them. I'll pay back everything I owe to my parents, settle all my debts with my friends. That'll do the trick. Thinking like that, I'll feel less guilty and continue being a cold person towards them.
But the ultimate question is, When?
When will all this end? After this foundation year? Really? When will I get what I want? What do I even want? If these sort of things will come to an end, why do workaholics exist? Are they still in search of what they want? I think I might end up like them. A workaholic. I'll end up like one. I can already picture myself locked in a room, burying my head deep in heaps of work late in the night. I will tell myself that I don't deserve to have any fun because my work isn't completely done yet. And if I really rebelled against myself and hung out with a friend or two, I know I'll feel so guilty for not finishing my work that I'll punish myself and work twice as hard. I'll vow to complete everything before going out ever again.
But then again, when will I ever finish all my work? The chances are never.
Oh, my God. I really do sound like a true workaholic. However, being such a rigid person, I can only allow myself to be either one or the other. Definitely can't stand grey areas. It's either I end up a workaholic or a party animal and obviously, I'll go for the former any day because I'd rather be working like a dog and getting cash than being broke from partying like there's no tomorrow. Ugh, I hate this. The older you get, the more decisions you have to make. No wonder the faces of children are always flushed with bliss whereas adults have worry written all over theirs.
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Sunday, March 10, 2013 @ 11:00 PM
And I'm actually struggling a lot because of barriers of communication. It's not that I can't speak good English or the ang mohs here can't understand me but I can't speak good MANDARIN and most of the people here are from CHINA so they can't understand the crap I'm talking about. I realised many of them would just nod when I say something (even asking a question, WTH) although they don't get me. Jil Ee was the one who normally translated my gibberish crap for their understanding because she always switches her accent to the ching chong one. I guess I could as well but I just don't want to. I've never liked the ching chong accent. Too... Ugh. Yep, that's it. UGHHH. And I'm really annoyed by the fact that they mocked the way I speak Mandarin and kept asking me to improve my Mandarin. Like hello? You guys should improve your English instead. After all, English IS the international language, WTH. We're not in China, for heaven's sake. People speak English in Australia for a reason. That's why sometimes I'm just so sick of talking to the people here or even just mingling around with people. I seek asylum in the little room of mine, snuggling under my thick sheets and scrolling through mah homies' Tumblrs, not giving a flip about speaking perfect Mandarin in an English-speaking country, dammit.
After a while, I got used to these broken people floating around me and let's be honest, I'm one of the broken people or else why would I end up in this rehabilitation centre in the first place? This morning, I woke up with a prayer in my head. I mean, like, the minute I was awake, my brain formed a prayer and I was praying silently in my head. I admit that I don't normally pray in the morning but this morning, I thanked God for everything that's happened to me. He has been so good to me despite the challenges I'd faced and the stuck-up people I had to deal with everyday. He has placed me in this remote town for a reason and I have to find out what that reason is. I'm really grateful that I'd found a church to go to now, a church similar to FuXion. The people there were really friendly to me and I felt so at home. Nevertheless, nothing beats FuXion services back in Malaysia and mah homies who're nicely mean to me. Does that even make sense? LOL.
Lastly, no matter how much I wanna deny it, I still miss my parents. We FaceTimed that day and they started their usual bickering (although Dad always said, "Let's not argue in front of the children lah!") on the other side of the screen and here I was, staring at both of them while a million things zoomed through my mind and just then, everything went blank. All I did was stared at those two old kids arguing with each other out of habit, wanting to prove themselves right as always due to the high ego they both possess, with my mind completely empty. Blank. Null.
I realised how much I love them. I actually LOVE them. Oh, my God. I must be insane. How can this be? Am I even making sense? Do I really love my parents? Am I freaking kidding myself? Walao. But to think how much they've put in for me, put out for me, put aside for me, put UP with me. Shit. I must be insane to NOT be in love with them both. I'm constantly pushing them away, ignoring their texts, avoiding their phone calls, being rude to them when I finally answered the call, etc. But they've never been sick of my bloody attitude, always offering themselves to me, lending me their eager ears and being there for me 24/7.
And suddenly, it's all crystal clear. I finally know why I'm here, here in this rehabilitation centre.
Because you, Ru Min, are so terribly messed up. You're so broken, worse than broken - shattered, that even fixing might not help.
What have you done to yourself?
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