Sunday, January 27, 2013 @ 1:31 PM
And perhaps I like kids, after all. They may be annoying and noisy and a hell lot of trouble but when you think about the shit they have to face in the future, you just want them to stay kids forever to protect them from the world. I guess I have developed the slightest affinity towards them.
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Whisk me away
Thursday, January 24, 2013 @ 12:45 AM
I was doing some last minute packing today and when I was about to stuff my bible into my handbag, that piece of paper fell out. I was thirteen and visiting my friend's church that Sunday. I remembered the Sunday school teacher asking us to write what we're waiting for to gain in five years' time and that was what I wrote. I was amazed that I actually wished and prayed for those things and they DID come true and God actually DID answer them although I've totally forgotten about it. God really never fails. He never forgets you even if you've forgotten yourself.
I truly believe in waiting upon the Lord and not just saying it with words. People may have said it millions of times - I know I've said it millions of times - but His timing is always PERFECT. I remembered being angry at Him for not granting me the scholarship to go overseas at that time and that's why I wrote those wishes. God knows best, be it career choices or relationships or even trivial things. Five years later since I last wrote that, He's sending me overseas for better education. He gave me a scholarship. He made the waiting stop. All in five years' time. That's how precise He is. And during those moments when you're asked to write down your wishes for something, you'll tend to be very sceptical about it. "Aiya, I won't get it one lah!" That's why people called it "wishful thinking". Perhaps if you wrote down your wishes and PRAYED for them, they become PRAYER REQUESTS and sooner or later, you'll get what you want, all in His timing. :)
On a totally different note, these questions have been floating around in my head lately and I'm just gonna let them out. When people say, "We should hang out some time!", do they wanna go out with you or are they just saying it out of habit? When people greet, "How are you?", are they genuinely asking that or are they just being polite? When people ask, "Are you okay?", do they really want to know your condition or are they just expecting the usual "I'm okay"? What if I say, "I'm not okay", what will happen, then? What will they do? Most probably freak out because that's not according to plan.
Why do people have to throw words with empty meanings in to fill the void between people they love? Shouldn't they feel comfortable being in silence with each other just as how they're comfortable talking nonsense to them? I wonder why we say things we don't mean all the time, even if it's not hurtful and we don't regret it. And lastly, the one question that has been circulating my mind the most lately : When people say, "I'll miss you!", do they really mean it or are they just saying it out of courtesy? Like they're so used to saying that to someone who's leaving that they already have that phrase prepared at the tip of their tongue. As if it's already on autopilot mode, saying it but not truly meaning it.
I mean, seriously. Miss me?
Would you?
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Saturday, January 5, 2013 @ 2:10 PM
It was pretty hard at first because the instant I stopped going online, I felt I had so much free time on my hands, I didn't know what to do. Eventually, I got used to it and did things. Like actually DID things, you know. I actually TALKED to people FACE-TO-FACE, not on FACEBOOK. And spent time with friends in FLESH rather than over Viber/Skype. Also, Indigo by Yiruma, I finally learnt how to play it on the piano. FINALLY. I've been wanting to learn that song since I came back from Vietnam but I was just too engrossed in listening to the song itself and didn't bother to take any solid actions. NVM, all's well now. I can finally play it on the piano, not very good and needs more practice, though. But ahhh, the sense of achievement is overwhelming! I should fast more. :B And I went swimming with my brother the other day and realised I didn't know how to swim anymore, WTH. What a discovery. I almost drowned three times and died but he just HAD to save me. Why lah? Should have just let me scream, flap my arms around in the water and die, right? LOL. Okay lah, I can still swim lah but I'm not very good at it already. Rusty skills. :( On the other hand, I spent some quality time with my brother (aww). We didn't talk crap and joke around as usual but really talked about life. Serious. No rush at all in our convos. I'd never admit it but it was lovely, talking to my brother. :') It's been
Not a good thing but I'm currently watching Boys Over Flowers, teehee. I know it's such an ancient show but I didn't get to watch it; I've been wanting to watch it in a while. I'm only on episode 10 now, heh. So many good actors/actresses there whey like Lee Jung Joon, Han Chae Young, Lee Si-Young and Kim Bum, AMAGARRRD. Must stop gushing about them and their looks, you guys don't need to deal with those nonsense, HAHA. BUT REALLY, THEY'RE SO GOOD-LOOKING, OMGWTHBBQ. I KENOTZ. Ru Min, stahp. STAHP NAO. *takes a deep breath* Alright, moving on.
I'm really glad that I'm not acting like a sloth nowadays or just staying in my pyjamas all day long like I'm bedridden, LOL. Unfortunately, the arguments with them didn't stop. One took place on New Year's Day itself, dayum. It's like we've been living on a different wavelength since last year and IDK whether it's because they're growing old and becoming all emotional/distress/sensitive (yes, sounds about right) or it's because of me growing up and able to form my own opinions about things that differ from theirs and that's why they just can't accept my views. Or me, for that matter. That's why a part of me is silently grateful that I'm leaving because I can no longer stand them. I'm such a bad daughter. -_- Aiya, I don't know lah. I wish they'd just give me a break. No wonder the pastor said this year will be a year of storms and trials. How true. Lord, please save this frustrated soul.
On a lighter note, my friend actually called me (it's surprising because nobody likes to waste credit, lulz) to talk about stuff. When she exclaimed, "You're fasting from the internet? No wonder lah, didn't reply me! You should've told me you're fasting lah! What if someone talks to you online and you didn't reply? You have to tell people you're fasting!" That got me worrying. I actually thought about it before she mentioned it but I didn't think it'd matter. I mean, my friends wouldn't die if I didn't talk to them for a week, right? I bet nobody even wants to talk to me. Like finally, this pest of a Ru Min is gone. Peace at last. HAHAHA. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that it'll be more polite to go online once to tell my friends I'm fasting just in case. I didn't want them wasting their time waiting for my reply if it's urgent but on the other hand, I really don't want to break my fast. :/ When I was about to give in a few days later, I suddenly came across this scripture :
Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." - Luke 9 : 61-62
Just like that. Two verses. It was exactly like my situation (but mine is at a smaller scale, of course) and God spoke to me. I realised there's always a cost for following Jesus and I should always put Him first before anything else. I didn't break my fast in the end, thank God. And I'm sorry for not replying any of your messages (if you'd even sent any, lulz). I'm not avoiding you so don't be so paranoid, HAHA. Will reply ASAP if urgent.
I'm so chuffed that I started 2013 by fasting, really. It was a good break from the cyber world. Spent time talking to God about my future and all my troubles; He just told me not to worry and find rest in Him. Such reassurance can be found nowhere but only in the Lord. :) 2012 was a terrible year for me (and everyone else, I found out) and I'm sure 2013 will be ten times worst but I'm surprisingly calm. At last, it'd dawned on me that it's God who's been placing problems in my life. They exist for a reason - to strengthen me, to make me grow and to never lose faith. With You as my anchor and the captain of my soul, the thundering storms and crashing waves are nothing; I refuse to sink.
Once again, and never enough, thank You. Cheers to a challenging but rewarding year ahead. x
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Saturday, December 22, 2012 @ 10:43 PM
I came back from FuXion Camp 2012 last Tuesday and the theme this year was The Movement. It was... Different. I have been going to this church camp since I was eleven but nothing significant happened to me, that's why I was so reluctant to go this year. Partly because I was angry at God for the things that happened throughout 2012 and also mad because He has touched so many people; so many of my friends have experienced the Holy Spirit and felt so free but not me. NOT ME. WHY? -_- Plus the whole camp is always so predictable and the burning fire and spirit in everyone always die down after camp, what more could I expect? I guess I'm just really disappointed about everything and somewhat sick and tired of going to church camps year after year without experiencing any changes. But I couldn't possibly skip this camp because I had to play the keyboard for P&W and Bryan picked me as a group leader. WHY? Get away from me!
But wow, it was different. Entirely, extremely different. God really works in different ways. The first and second night was like the third night and the third night was just so peaceful in His presence. I don't think I'm making any sense but campers should get this, haha. I have been so burdened and frustrated a few months before camp due to I-don't-know-what and I brought the unhappiness to camp. Many people saw through my smiles; I thought they were pleasant enough? On the first night, everyone was just basking in His presence. There was no sermon by Ps. Daniel, no service at all for the first time in NEVER, lulz. The second day was kinda killer for me. I was so mentally exhausted by so many things (stupid brain cannot stop thinking, WTH), I didn't want to go for service at night. I'm really glad that I went to the beach with Odelia before dinner and talk about stuff, though. She's a really good listener, can't thank her enough. It was pouring slightly but the view during dusk was magnificent. :)
I did go for the service in the end. The pastor was just preaching a little while we worshipped God and then suddenly, he said he wanted to pray for our fears. Then it hit me. Fear. I was so fearful. Fearful of the past, fearful of the present, fearful of the future. Fearful of everything. Fear of rejection. That fear stood out the most. He asked us to go in front if we needed him to pray for our fears so I did. Normally, I wouldn't budge because I'm too... Shy? Don't know. A huge crowd formed in front and I was just another one of them. So many people were as fearful as me, I realised. Should've known I wasn't alone, after all. Never was.
Then, the weirdest thing happened. Ps. Daniel scanned the entire crowd and his eyes landed on me. And he called me up to pray for me. Among so many people, he chose me? I've never been chosen to be prayed for before; normally, I'll just wait for my turn. Wow, what a surprise. He prayed for me out loud and I just agreed like I usually do. Suddenly, he leant in close to my ear and whispered, "I can see your legs are in chains. They are not very big and you can step out of them easily but you choose to stay in that position. I just want you to know that your past doesn't determine your future and you no longer have to be fearful of it. Be bold and step out, leave your past behind. You don't walk alone; God walks with you." And with that, Niagara Falls. I'm really not an emotional person and it takes me a lot to cry but after hearing those words, I couldn't stop the tears. Overwhelmed, I was.
Everything Ps. Daniel said was spot-on, no denying that fact. Something happened to me long ago that made me so fearful of rejection but I thought it was just a petty matter so I just stuffed it behind my head. Yea, it was a bloody small issue but I didn't know it was slowly eating me from the inside. Or maybe I was avoiding the fact that it DID affect me? Littlest things matter the most, I should've known. Either way, I felt free. That God actually knows what's happening and He does touch people. Not feeling God's presence before made me feel He's so surreal sometimes and I was always silently sceptical when people shared their testimonies on how they felt the Holy Spirit. Like why am I not feeling His love when the rest of the universe has that priviledge? But I did that night. The feeling was so strong, it was indescribable.
I felt pretty embarrassed crying in front although I'm sure no one was watching but I quickly stopped crying and ran back to my own place. People around me were praying and crying; God was among us. I sat down and swam around in my own thoughts. Sandra then approached me and just hugged me so tight, I started crying again. This time, I just let it go. All of it. I just cried and cried and cried like never before. Thoughts flowed with my tears. Being bold and letting go of everything; courageous to start anew.
I had another encounter with the Holy Spirit on the third night, too. But that time I didn't cry and laughed instead. Laughed because I just felt plain happy. Laughed away all my troubles and frustrations. Laughed at how it beats me to why He made me because I'm so useless and unworthy. Laughed at how very alive I was. I laughed until I didn't know why I was laughing; I just felt so joyful that the laughter just came naturally and it didn't leave. I felt so at ease in the peaceful atmosphere, it's really a great crazy feeling I can't explain.
God is truly amazing and I'm not saying this because this is what people expect us Christians to say. I really love how He works in our lives according to His own timing. Jesus replied, "You do not realise now what I am doing, but later you will understand." That's John 13:7 for you, my favourite verse. When I'm confused/frustrated by my troubles or angry at Him for the terrible things that keep happening to me, that verse reminds me to always trust Him and have faith. Be patient and wait upon the Lord because He always knows what He's doing. God doesn't put us in situations we can't handle. Very well said by a friend, hits me every time.
Indeed, The Movement. I have certainly been moved by Him and now is not the time to stop but to keep moving along, moving forward. Well, this is the testimony that I never shared because I had no guts, haha. I hope this made something click in your head and opened your eyes to a whole new perspective. Thanks for reading. :)
Awestruck by His love.
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Friday, November 30, 2012 @ 6:50 PM
As boring as it sounds, I've dreamt of being a doctor since I was in preschool. I used to play around with my mum's stethoscope (not toy stethoscope; this shit is serious, HAHA) and pretended I was a doctor listening to the heartbeat of the couch and TV. Whenever teacher asked about our ambition, I'd stand up proudly and announce, "I want to be a doctor!" And another hundred of my classmates will say the same thing because they didn't know what they want to do in the future. -_- When I was ten, I realised I was afraid of blood. Or more specifically, my own blood. I was learning how to ride a bike when my dad let go of it and it fell on me. The spikes pierced through my left calf and it was so painful but I didn't cry... UNTIL I saw blood trickling down my legs. Then I cried. Lulz. I howled and wailed and screamed. It was so creepy! Blood is so scary! Icky crimson red substance, eww! Okay, one of my deepest fears revealed. Don't laugh at me, please.
I guess I can strike doctor off my list of ambitions. I know I don't have to be a surgeon and face blood everyday if I really wanted to be a doctor; I could be a paed like mum but that's like so... Underachieved. I mean, why would you study so hard to settle for less? No, the kiasu streak in me just kenotz. Anyway, perspective changes. Mind changes, opinion changes and feelings change. I changed. Last year, I found out being a doctor wasn't what I want, after all. Everyone was counting on me to be like my parents but I finally realised that's not what I want. For a short while, I wanted to be an accountant because I scored 100 for my first Accounts test, HAHA. That dream didn't live long when I settled for actuarial science. I love Add Maths A LOT and Physics and Chemistry intrigued me (Biology not so much) so I wanna be an actuarist!
Throughout my entire life, I've never argued THIS much with my parents to get what I want. This year, we constantly fought because I wanted to be an actuarist. They were devastated when they found out another one of their daughters won't be becoming a doctor. Not to be proud or anything but my parents have always believed I was the one among my three siblings who'll continue their profession one day. When suddenly, this idiotic girl came up and told them she wants to be an actuarist? OVER THEIR DEAD BODY. "You'll have so many exams to go through! Like a million times more and harder than SPM!" "You'll have a tough time being an actuarist and you can never be your own boss!" "You'll be in the business world - that, that dog-eat-dog world! Very scary!" They made up excuses so lame that they're almost hilarious. Being stubborn isn't a good thing but at least my stubborness got me what I wanted; they eventually agreed to let me take up that career. On a side note, I feel that you can view my stubborness in two ways. You can say I'm either a very stubborn person (negative) or a very persistent person (positive). Let's just settle with the latter, heh. :B
I guess they're just worried that I don't know what I want in life and "too young to think", that's why they're deciding everything for me to the point that it's really ticking me off. -_- I hate to admit this but a part of me wants to be an actuarist not because I REALLY want to be one but because I'm being rebellious and NOT want to be a doctor. Yea, childish, I know. But being a persistent person, if some time down the lane I realise being an actuarist isn't my thing after all, I'll still strive to finish what I've started because I'm a perfectionist. That's why I'm not so worried lah, thank God for this obsessive trait. :) My parents have paid for my course so the deal is sealed. I'm gonna be an actuarist already, yay!
Or so I thought.
I woke up early this morning to accompany my mum to the hospital. She's been having lower abdominal pain since her last surgery to remove something (you don't have to know that, heh) so she's arranged to have colonoscopy performed on her. We waited in a room called the "Day Care" ward after mum changed into scrubs before she had the scope. I brought my Mandarin books to study but I couldn't concentrate lah. The Mandarin characters made me sleepy so I wandered out of the ward, looking around and being a kepoh as usual. And then I came across the nursery and looked inside. I almost squealed! The most adorable newborns were in their cribs, eyes have yet to open! They were so tiny like the size of a puppy and they were so cute!
I thought I hated babies and kids BUT SERIOUSLY, RU MIN. YOU DON'T HATE THEM AT ALL. I stared at them like a paedo but I just couldn't leave. Too cute, TOO CUTE. I could've cried for them because so many babies don't make it. A great life lies ahead of them. Or a shitty one, lulz. Depends on themselves lah, right? :B
Level 7. It was the gynae and paeds floor. I slowly soaked in everything. The dimly lit hallways that don't seem to end, nurses buzzing around, doctors speaking in medical terms. I remembered a friend once told me she wanted to be a doctor so bad but after spending a day in a hospital, she gave up that ambition because she couldn't take the medical environment. I went back into the ward to find mum lying on the bed while the nurses pushed her out. Finally, it's her turn to go for the scope. We entered the lift to go down to Level 2. People shuffled in and out of the lift on every floor; everyone was so busy. At last, we arrived on Level 2 and mum was pushed around in the hallways until we arrived at a ward called "Receiving Bay".
And at that split second when I caught her faint smile before she was pushed into the ward, something in me clicked. A spark went off. A flame ignited. It burnt, just like the passion I had since young. The dream was back.
At times like this, I wished I wasn't so rebellious/stubborn. I wished I wasn't so affected by my emotions. I wished I saw the bigger picture. I wished I knew what I really want. Yes, that's the problem, I finally see it. The problem is, I don't know what I want. And when people pressure me to do things I want (IKR, doing things I want also need to be pressured, WTH, I'm such an ass -_-), I will end up NOT doing it just because I'm pressured. Stupid. I don't think I'll regret doing actuarial science but since now I know that I actually STILL like the idea of me being a doctor, I should've listened to my parents lah. It seems they know me better than myself, dahell. No choice, decisions have been made, courses have been paid. Wow, that rhymes, HAHA.
Mum, drowsy AS, was pushed out of the ward a few hours later and we went back to Level 7. I attempted to study some Mandarin while waiting for her to regain consciousness but ended up wandering to the nursery again. There were other newborns by then, as adorable, nevertheless. I realised I really like babies and kids. Never thought I will, though. I've always been annoyed by babies and kids because they can't keep quiet for once. Yes, I sound like a grumpy old woman but I'm just stating the truth. But now I think they're little angels lah. I bet I was ten times noisier than them when I was younger, LOL.
If I were to be a doctor, maybe I'd be a gynae or a paed like mum (God forbid, HAHA!). I went back to the ward and waited a little longer before mum finally woke up. She sat there like a doll for a few seconds before she turned to me and said, "So, do you want to be a doctor?" I was like the crap. Dude. You already paid for my course, remember? "You can always switch." she said. The minute I heard I had a CHOICE, a DECISION to make, I freaked out a little.
I guess I'm one who doesn't like making decisions, that's why I'm such a fickle-minded person. If I can't decide on something, I'd rather have nothing. And I'd prefer if I wasn't fed any choices so I can just tell myself, "Okay, no choice. You just have to accept it. God's will." In a way, I'm also very lazy lah because I hate choosing. Maybe I shouldn't complain so much about my "freedom to choose" when people make decisions for me because they're actually doing me a huge favour, LOL. I don't know whether she was being serious about the switch but if she was, I know it'll cost more money. AND I know if I said YES, she'll go all out to switch my course. As you can see, determination runs in the family, heh. Okay, I'm kinda scared now. God gave me a second chance and this time round, I get to choose.
Now. Two choices, Ru Min. Doctor or actuarist? Your pick.
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Saturday, November 24, 2012 @ 11:00 PM
Have been embracing my artistic streak in me lately. Took quite a few photos that mean nothing to the everyday eye but I like them because they mean something to me. :) Might open a photo album on Facebook to upload all my perasan work of art. A lot of people are doing it nowadays so I'm kinda like meh. So mainstream, I kenotz. I've been painting a lot lately, too. Suddenly feel like an artist, LOL. My art's kinda simple, though. Just dealing with colours. It's actually nothing much and not that nice, really.
Church's carnival was today. Wasn't as busy as expected but it went well, I guess. :) I was in charge of a booth called Bottoms Up with Don (my booth partner) and we had a hard time asking small kids to play the games, hahaha. I was there at 8.30am because Don asked me to be there early but I was informed later that he's coming late. AHHH. Okay. -_- The whole event ended at 4pm, went back a little later to talk to Bryan. Su Li, you should've been there. We can haz talk session. So tiring but it was fun, nonetheless. I was planning to sleep until tomorrow morning but my dad and my brother started jamming! And they're SO off! Real music to my ears. Now, I'm wide awake and can't be sleeping any sooner. Yay.
I'm willing myself to sleep early again and not get hooked on the internet. I've been sleeping the earliest at 1am lately and it's stupid. I know I'm beat! Let's face it lah - most people who said they have insomnia DON'T have it. It's because they're addicted to the internet late at night, that's why they can't sleep. No, they DON'T want to sleep. Insomnia doesn't even mean the inability to sleep at night; it's actually a sickness where you DO sleep but you wake up intermitently in the middle of the night and you can't control it. Now, do you have insomnia? Don't lie. Most of you probably don't. And I should stop using this excuse, too. HAHA.
I know I have one weakness if I sleep late, too - I confess/share secrets too easily. Just me? I hope not. I don't know why as the night grows deeper, the stuff I talk to people about over the internet gets deeper as well. I feel like there's this deeper bond between two people and things to talk about get easier. Also because there isn't anyone awake as well so you only focus on one/two people? But some things that I know I'll never say if I'm really alert sometimes end up seeing the light and when I wake up the next morning, groggy and all from the lack of sleep, I regret saying them. It's like I'm drunk late at night and can't filter my thoughts before I spill anything. Maybe it's because of the lack of sleep lah that's why I can't think straight, too. Lulz.
But I like late night convos. It really shows the true colours of a person. Maybe not entirely but at least a little bit. The things they talk about will grow as deep as yours and you sort of know what personality they have because THEY will be confessing everything, too. HAHA. Shouldn't say confessing lah; more like being plain honest than they usually are. So many interesting topics to talk about and they're normally not those meaningless nonsense you joke with your friends in broad daylight. We may be drunk and spilling all the secrets at night but it makes me feel like we become a tad bit smarter when we have late night convos, LOL. TRUE, RIGHT? I really enjoy late night convos with mah homies; they iz so the very interesting! Homagad, different friends talking about different stuff, some shallow some deep, so enlightening. I'll end up a genius eventually if I talk to them
My eyelids feel so heavy but my brain is too active already lah. Gonna practise some P&W songs after this. I wonder whether other P&W members practise the songs at home or just me taking things too seriously, LOL. Okay, there goes another sleepless night for me; time for some nonsense-talking on the internet later. If I still can't sleep, heh.
And if you're my sister, read this. If you're not, read this, too. You know you want to. Anyway, Lucy. I'm glad that your interview went well! I really do hope you get the jabbers; I'm sure you will lah with all that experience. Mum's also damn ecstatic. She flooded my room with her excited voice early in the morning with your piece of good news. Everyone's so happeez. :D And if your exams aren't over yet, I'm still keeping you in prayer. Can't wait to see you in a week! Remember to bring the iPod Touch back and the charger and the stuff required to do all the activities we talked about, okay. YAYYERS. x
Thanks for reading if you're not my sister. You're officially labelled as a nosy-parker. Not really your fault, anyway, since everything here is public. But still, achievement unlocked! :) Have a great weekend.
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Wednesday, November 21, 2012 @ 11:15 AM
But I can't believe I kept quiet about everything. I'm not one to share my thoughts and frustrations with people at that time, keeping quiet about everything seems like the best way. I believed everything would go away - all the confusions, frustrations, decisions to make - if I didn't mention anything. Like they will disappear. Avoidance. That's how I settle my problems, even now. Doesn't work, though. I thought I could leave quietly, it'll be less painful. For all of us, mainly me. I mean, it's not a really big deal to my friends if I left. Seeing the smiles on their faces, why would I want to tell them this piece of news? It's totally irrelevant to them. It didn't feel right to keep it all inside. But I did, anyway. And I left. Quietly.
I regretted everything. Everything. From not taking part in the decision-making process, from not telling anyone, from avoiding the elephant in the room to The Switch. It's okay to experience a new environment but I'd kill to go back. I remembered the first day after school, I went for tuition in my new school uniform. I tried to hide while waiting outside for the class before me to finish; what was I so embarrassed about? About not telling? Then why didn't I tell anyone about The Switch in the first place? Because if I didn't say anything, it won't happen?
I will never forget the moment my close friend approached me and asked why I was absent on the first day of school. "But I went to school today." I replied sheepishly. Just a different one. He stared at me for a while. "What are you wearing?" he asked. "My school uniform." I answered matter-of-factly. More students were coming and waiting as well. They stared at me like I was a foreign creature. And slowly, the horror spread over his face. My heart twisted when the sudden realisation hit him. I remembered praying I'd disappear at that moment. "W-what? What's happening? W-what's this?" he sputtered. I would laugh at his expression but everyone was so serious. I didn't know it'd be this huge. It certainly did not feel good one bit. People kept staring at me while the truth sunk in. "P-please tell me you're joking." I didn't know why he sounded like he was in extreme pain. And the rest of my friends stared at me with hurt in their eyes. I thought I did the right thing by not telling anyone to avoid people getting hurt. How wrong was I. Everyone got hurt in the end, IDK why. Why would my leaving hurt anyone? The door flung open suddenly and the class before us filed out. I ignored them, avoided their stares and just walked in quietly.
And the rumours spread like wild fire. She switched because she couldn't get into the first class, she switched because she didn't want to take Mandarin for SPM, she switched because of this and that. Rumours always sound so juicy and filled with "truth", so easy to believe. Sad to say, they're lies. All of them. Let me tell you that The Switch happened because of nothing. I don't know why it happened. It may be because my parents seemed keen and I didn't want to disappoint them, or because my brother was already there so it'd be more convenient if both of us went to the same school, or some other shit reason. I don't know why it happened. It just did. I probably shouldn't make a big deal out of this but it's still a freaking gigantic deal to me until now. To be plucked out from my comfort zone and thrown somewhere else. Sounds exciting? It gets lonely after a while.
You get to meet new people but they eventually fade into their own cliques. And you eventually fade away from the memories of your old friends. On the surface, you have plenty of friends but deep down, you know it'd take years when you finally feel comfortable and open up to people. This is me lah, inwardly introvert. Does it make sense? I feel like all my efforts of warming up to my old friends have gone to waste because I was already so ready to be more comfortable around them when suddenly, picked up and flung to another land. And I have to repeat the whole process. The Making Friends Process, I'd call it. LOL, sounds lame.
I'm not sad that it happened but I could do without The Switch, honestly. I was happy in my old school even if I didn't realise it. Contented with everything I had. Some teachers were so lazy and some of my classmates irked me but overall, it's perfect. I don't even mind people making fun of my Mandarin. Too bad lah, I'm from an English-speaking background. Now, I looked forward to the day where I finally graduated from my high school and enter college. No matter how scary college is, at least most of my old friends will be there. It'll be a joyful reunion for me. :) But it's kinda sad that some of them don't really acknowledge me already. I think I mentioned this before but it's awkward when I approach some of my old friends and they just stare at me without even saying hi. Why? Am I that easy to forget? And all their class pictures on Facebook without me inside, gosh. Can't help feeling a tad bit upset.
And then, the news came. The Next Switch. Not following the norm; going solo. Again. Just when I'm getting used to this, to settling down and getting to know people better - gonna get plucked and thrown like the petals of a flower again. The reality of things is going too fast, I can't possibly keep up. I don't want to leave and yet the risk-taking part of me can't wait to experience a new life. History is repeating itself but the outcome didn't turn out well the first time; I was unhappy. Would it end up the same this time round? I hate this torn-between feeling.
But Ru Min, do you honestly think they don't dare to do it if you don't give an answer? Please, even if you did give an answer and if it's not the answer they want, they'll still do it. Should I be quiet this time? Avoid it and assume that it'll never happen? Or tell someone about it? What can they do? Share your mixed feelings about this yet feel helpless like you because they can't do anything to change this, too? No. You shouldn't put people in that position where they have to find the right words to comfort you. Doesn't mean anything or make any difference, anyway. I wonder whether people will get hurt again.
The whole world seems like it's crashing down on me at full speed. And I'm standing alone in the midst of everything. How terrifying. Sometimes, I wish life was simpler. Or perhaps it is but our minds tend to complicate things. In that case, I wish humans were more simple-minded. I wish I was more simple-minded. Without the ability to think and feel, that'd be the best.
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