Monday, November 11, 2013 @ 11:30 PM
Warm my frigid soul on this cold summer's day.
Well, today was Physics. And I didn't finish my paper. Didn't finish for real - big questions, loads of marks. It wasn't like those times when I said I didn't finish but in actual fact, I did - I just didn't do some baby questions (because I didn't know how lol). Which is kind of a surprise I didn't finish but not really - a surprise because I normally finish my paper no matter what (AND THIS IS MY PRE-U FINALS, WHAT IF I CAN'T GET INTO UNI, OMG) and not really a surprise because I know deep down, I wasn't fully prepared. God is fair. This year is the year I finally break my (sort of) winning streak. I'll take whatever punishments.
I actually have a million and one problems but I don't know who to turn to. Okay, no. I know I have so many friends to turn to, some who'd even offer their listening ears without hesitation or second thoughts, to listen to my petty issues but then again, like I've said. Petty issues. Not so petty to me, actually, but may be petty to them because well... The problems aren't exactly theirs, right? Anyway, I think most of my friends have their own a million and one problems as well so I don't think they deserve to listen to my petty issues that might even add to their a million and one problems which they will then have two million and two problems including mine. God, that's a lot.
And yes, God. I miss You, God. We talk every morning once I wake up and every night before I go to bed but I feel like I've drifted from You, just like how I feel like I've drifted from most of my friends. I try to listen to P&W songs most of the time so I can still feel You; they make me so overwhelmingly joyful when I have a tough day. And they make me miss my church, too. I wonder how they're all doing. Probably swell with Your grace.
God, I'm actually scared to go home. I want to go home but I don't know where's home anymore. And they all have their own lives now. If I suddenly popped up, isn't it weird? I've been trying this whole year yet I still don't know what's best, God. I don't know whether I should keep myself from my friends since they have their own lives already or I should continue to try hard to ingrain myself in their lives.
This is one of my a million and one problems. When I try talking to old friends to see how they're doing, I feel like I'm interrupting their fabulous lives, like my role in them is finally over, like, "Why do you still talk to us when you clearly left us, geez. Just go talk to someone else." When I step aside to watch them carrying out their fabulous lives without me, some would say I've changed, I've become icy, arrogant and ignorant, and have clearly forgotten about old friends since I have gone elsewhere.
I'd rather retake exams than deal with this, honestly. It's hard and I'm so confused.
Someone must have forgotten to tell me the rules to play this game called life because I'm clearly missing something here. I don't know what to do now and I'm stuck. What move should I make now? Do I just continue on and roll the dice? Oh, it's your move now? What? The game is over? Nope, no one told me.
Wait till you go overseas. Distance does funny things to you. No matter how much social networking you do to keep in touch and how many "I'll be thinking of you!"s and "We'll always be here for you!"s you receive, you will still feel the lack of support from your family and the crumbling of invisible crutches previously provided by your friends for you to lean on.
Unless you've gone through all that, you won't understand. I'm positive. It's a weird as concept that I still haven't completely grasped yet. But if you know what I'm talking about, please tell me how you had solved the problem above. God, you can tell me, too.
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Whisk me away