Thursday, April 18, 2013 @ 11:15 PM
Nevertheless, I'm still very happy to see my friends. It's only been two months but it felt like ages. I really do miss their company AND THEIR FREAKING ENGLISH. Even if they do speak Mandarin, it's with a Malaysian accent and not some CHING CHONG TING LONG CHANG CHONG CHENG.
Anyway, my mood has been really bad recently. Like rotten-eggs-and-tomatoes-smell bad - not even exaggerating. It's all because of my weight. I know, I know, I sound so superficial and bimbotic and I should love myself regardless of my size yada yada yada but come on! Who doesn't want a slim figure? I'm actually not asking for a skinny body but I just wanna go back to my original weight! :( I have been really affected by my weight lately and I can feel myself being so glum most of the days. I have gained 5kg since I left and IF YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME "Oh, that's not a lot what." THEN JUST SHUT UP BECAUSE IT IS. :( I just HATE myself for not being motivated enough to go to the gym when it's like five minutes away from my house, WTH. And I just LOATHE myself for not being able to control my food consumption everyday and just keep stuffing myself even though I am super bloated.
Even my phone is filled with mouthwatering pictures of food fresh off my friends' Tumblrs (you guys are seriously not helping). I don't know why I just. Can't. Control. Myself. UGH. It's like, "YAY, I SEE FOOD! MUST. FINISH. EVERYTHING. NOW." whenever I see ANYTHING that resembles food. After gobbling everything up like a pig, I'll regret like shit and feel like killing myself.
The worst part?
IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE. IT NEVER ENDS.
Honestly, I'm really upset with myself for my lack of control towards my own body. And the lack of initiative to exercise. I've gone back to doing my sit-ups and push-ups, anything to avoid running (because I'm such a lazy pig nowadays). I'm also following all sorts of weird advices like drinking a glass of cold water early in the morning and before meals, chewing 20 times before swallowing, switching cutlery and taking time to savour the food, etc. I have also been avoiding sugary, salty and oily food as much as I can but how much can I avoid, right? Those unhealthy food are delicious, sigh. I actually tweeted a list of food I HAVE to eat before I go back up the mountains and mum really bought some of them, yay. I didn't eat them, surprisingly. They're all still stacked up in my fridge. I don't know why I feel a weird sense of comfort to know that they're just... There. HAHA. But it's a good thing, right? At least nothing's going into my stomach when I'm still feeling stuffed.
Anyway, for the first few days I was so angry because my diet plan didn't work. I mean, DUDE. I am DEPRIVED of SO MUCH GLORIOUS FOOD for the sake of my weight, WHY IS THE DIET WORKING ON EVERYONE EXCEPT ME? I should've known that dieting won't really last long-term but I was so upset about it to the point where I almost broke down and cry because I didn't know what else to do (other than exercising). I wished I was anorexic/bulimic for a few times (no offence intended) and I even called up a company to ask about their appetite suppression pills (people reading this, please don't tell my parents). I was also really angry to God for granting me such a low metabolism rate. God, come on! All my friends eat 1238234123 plates of food everyday and they're still stick-thin, why can't I have that pleasure? :(
Well, after what felt like an eternity of nibbling small portions of sugarless/tasteless food and drinking plain water, I've lost 2kg (just weighed). Without exercising. I know it won't last long but still, YAYAYAYAY. I AM SO HAPPY I CAN CRY MY BLOOD VESSELS OUT. 8'D I really hope I can maintain this till I go back to my original weight. Fingers crossed. Okay, I just went down and took a bite out of Auntie Anne's delicious cinnamon pretzel when dad stopped me and said, "Stop eating, Ru Min. You haven't been exercising lately and you look so fat. You're making me really worried!" No shits given. I deserve my pretzel as a reward for losing 2kg. *gobbles up greedily*
I feel kinda suckish, though, because every night before I sleep, I'd tell myself that TOMORROW will be the day everything changes and I WILL start exercising. Never happens, obviously. I really wished I was as disciplined as I was last time. I remembered being so afraid of not being able to fit into my charity dinner dress until I went to the gym everyday for two hours, the crap. I almost reached my dream weight, okay! But at that time I still thought I looked fat so I didn't really bother. Ah, look at me now. *breaks down and sobs uncontrollably*
Still, it feels good to be home. :)
0 Hullabaloo(s) : contribute
Whisk me away