Friday, April 5, 2013 @ 11:11 PM
"Eighteen."
"Ah, so will you be dropping by the pub later for a few drinks?"
Eighteen. Today, I turn eighteen. I can now enter clubs legally and go drinking if I want to. Should I feel excited? No. So many people younger than me have been going clubbing illegally since they're born so I guess it's no big deal.
"Haha, nah. I'm too good for that."
Honestly, I don't feel eighteen at all. As always, I feel ten years younger than my real age. I can't believe I can actually watch 18+ movies now without feeling like I've done something wrong but I just can't. I don't like kissing scenes; I'll automatically look away/close my eyes when they come up. Even if I'm old and wrinkly, I'll still do so because it's become more of a habit than a rule set by my parents. "Cut! Cut! Close your eyes! Young children shouldn't see this!" Young children. Hmm, I doubt that "young children" nowadays are more innocent than me.
I don't deserve to be eighteen. I feel like I'm supposed to accomplish so much more before I reach this age, like something is still lacking in my life, like I'm not mature enough to be eighteen. There are still so many things that I don't know, things like knowing my directions in life (literally and figuratively speaking), and that worries me a lot. I don't think people are supposed to get lost when they're eighteen. They're not supposed to depend on others to guide them through different routes in a foreign city. In the beginning, having no sense of direction is forgivable if you're in a new place but after a while, you're supposed to know all the shortcuts and familiarise yourself with the area. Especially when you're already eighteen. And at eighteen, people are not supposed to depend on others to guide them through different stages of life. They're supposed to know what course of study they want to take by now and what goals they want to achieve in life. You're supposed to have a direction, a clear pathway of where you're going. Ru Min, you're eighteen. You're totally lost. Where are you?
Life has been really hectic nowadays with assignments and assessments flung in my direction (EVEN NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE DIRECTIONS. I GIVE UP!). I'm slowly accepting the fact that I'll never finish a book as fast as I used to in my childhood days. I guess that's the price you have to pay for growing up. I know I shouldn't blame my piles of homework for neglecting my family and friends but I don't feel like putting the blame on myself. I've forgone so many Skype dates and ignored most of my friends' messages just because I'm "too busy with homework and exams right now". Get real, there will ALWAYS be homework and exams. I should really learn how to spend time with PEOPLE I love and not THINGS that I DON'T love.
I know this is so sudden but I just realised that I have never mentioned how much I love you and I'm not afraid to announce it publicly. I really do mean it no matter how doubtful you are about my sincerity (I know you too well). I honestly can't believe that our rivalry from the beginning has sprouted into such a fruitful friendship and I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a wonderful friend. I guess most people don't see you the way I do because they know nothing about you but I know you'll not falter because of them. Clearly, we both know they're just plain shallow and unable to comprehend anything beneath the surface. Seeing you maturing in your thoughts and actions brings pure joy into my life. I'm constantly overwhelmed each time I read your posts because they never fail to surprise me with fresh views and different perspectives of yours, providing me space to let my mind wander and yet at the same time reminding me to keep my feet on the ground. Your choice of words cannot be any more beautiful and transparent than they already are, and that just goes to show how true you are to yourself. I admire you for being so clear-cut, no-nonsense and straightforward. And in my eyes, you're beautiful. For showering me with violence to hide your affection, for being entirely yourself all the time and for not conforming to the expectations of society, thank you so much. Really miss you, old friend. And whether you like it or not, believe it or not, give a damn about it or not, I truly love you for who you are. From the bottom of my heart. To the moon and back. Forever and always.
I felt an overpowering drive to send that to a friend just now. Really had to get it out of my system and no matter how cheesy and mushy it sounds, that's how I truly felt about her. I don't know whether I typed that out of guilt or due to my sudden realisation that I never actually told her before how much she meant to me but either ways, my love for her is true. Idiot, don't be so sceptical for once. Yes, I'm talking to you. I know you're reading this.
Ironically, I always tell myself that I'm doing the right thing. I'm supposed to focus. At this age, eighteen, now, I must focus on my future. Keep my head in the game, don't lose track in my studies, don't fall back and get back up when I do. Whenever I neglect my family/friends, I convince myself that it's for a good cause - my future. I'm sacrificing them for my future. I'm studying to ace the tests, to get good grades, to enter a famous university, to get a good course. When all this ends and I've finally achieved what I long for, I'll go back to them. I'll pay back everything I owe to my parents, settle all my debts with my friends. That'll do the trick. Thinking like that, I'll feel less guilty and continue being a cold person towards them.
But the ultimate question is, When?
When will all this end? After this foundation year? Really? When will I get what I want? What do I even want? If these sort of things will come to an end, why do workaholics exist? Are they still in search of what they want? I think I might end up like them. A workaholic. I'll end up like one. I can already picture myself locked in a room, burying my head deep in heaps of work late in the night. I will tell myself that I don't deserve to have any fun because my work isn't completely done yet. And if I really rebelled against myself and hung out with a friend or two, I know I'll feel so guilty for not finishing my work that I'll punish myself and work twice as hard. I'll vow to complete everything before going out ever again.
But then again, when will I ever finish all my work? The chances are never.
Oh, my God. I really do sound like a true workaholic. However, being such a rigid person, I can only allow myself to be either one or the other. Definitely can't stand grey areas. It's either I end up a workaholic or a party animal and obviously, I'll go for the former any day because I'd rather be working like a dog and getting cash than being broke from partying like there's no tomorrow. Ugh, I hate this. The older you get, the more decisions you have to make. No wonder the faces of children are always flushed with bliss whereas adults have worry written all over theirs.
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Whisk me away