Wednesday, November 21, 2012 @ 11:15 AM
But I can't believe I kept quiet about everything. I'm not one to share my thoughts and frustrations with people at that time, keeping quiet about everything seems like the best way. I believed everything would go away - all the confusions, frustrations, decisions to make - if I didn't mention anything. Like they will disappear. Avoidance. That's how I settle my problems, even now. Doesn't work, though. I thought I could leave quietly, it'll be less painful. For all of us, mainly me. I mean, it's not a really big deal to my friends if I left. Seeing the smiles on their faces, why would I want to tell them this piece of news? It's totally irrelevant to them. It didn't feel right to keep it all inside. But I did, anyway. And I left. Quietly.
I regretted everything. Everything. From not taking part in the decision-making process, from not telling anyone, from avoiding the elephant in the room to The Switch. It's okay to experience a new environment but I'd kill to go back. I remembered the first day after school, I went for tuition in my new school uniform. I tried to hide while waiting outside for the class before me to finish; what was I so embarrassed about? About not telling? Then why didn't I tell anyone about The Switch in the first place? Because if I didn't say anything, it won't happen?
I will never forget the moment my close friend approached me and asked why I was absent on the first day of school. "But I went to school today." I replied sheepishly. Just a different one. He stared at me for a while. "What are you wearing?" he asked. "My school uniform." I answered matter-of-factly. More students were coming and waiting as well. They stared at me like I was a foreign creature. And slowly, the horror spread over his face. My heart twisted when the sudden realisation hit him. I remembered praying I'd disappear at that moment. "W-what? What's happening? W-what's this?" he sputtered. I would laugh at his expression but everyone was so serious. I didn't know it'd be this huge. It certainly did not feel good one bit. People kept staring at me while the truth sunk in. "P-please tell me you're joking." I didn't know why he sounded like he was in extreme pain. And the rest of my friends stared at me with hurt in their eyes. I thought I did the right thing by not telling anyone to avoid people getting hurt. How wrong was I. Everyone got hurt in the end, IDK why. Why would my leaving hurt anyone? The door flung open suddenly and the class before us filed out. I ignored them, avoided their stares and just walked in quietly.
And the rumours spread like wild fire. She switched because she couldn't get into the first class, she switched because she didn't want to take Mandarin for SPM, she switched because of this and that. Rumours always sound so juicy and filled with "truth", so easy to believe. Sad to say, they're lies. All of them. Let me tell you that The Switch happened because of nothing. I don't know why it happened. It may be because my parents seemed keen and I didn't want to disappoint them, or because my brother was already there so it'd be more convenient if both of us went to the same school, or some other shit reason. I don't know why it happened. It just did. I probably shouldn't make a big deal out of this but it's still a freaking gigantic deal to me until now. To be plucked out from my comfort zone and thrown somewhere else. Sounds exciting? It gets lonely after a while.
You get to meet new people but they eventually fade into their own cliques. And you eventually fade away from the memories of your old friends. On the surface, you have plenty of friends but deep down, you know it'd take years when you finally feel comfortable and open up to people. This is me lah, inwardly introvert. Does it make sense? I feel like all my efforts of warming up to my old friends have gone to waste because I was already so ready to be more comfortable around them when suddenly, picked up and flung to another land. And I have to repeat the whole process. The Making Friends Process, I'd call it. LOL, sounds lame.
I'm not sad that it happened but I could do without The Switch, honestly. I was happy in my old school even if I didn't realise it. Contented with everything I had. Some teachers were so lazy and some of my classmates irked me but overall, it's perfect. I don't even mind people making fun of my Mandarin. Too bad lah, I'm from an English-speaking background. Now, I looked forward to the day where I finally graduated from my high school and enter college. No matter how scary college is, at least most of my old friends will be there. It'll be a joyful reunion for me. :) But it's kinda sad that some of them don't really acknowledge me already. I think I mentioned this before but it's awkward when I approach some of my old friends and they just stare at me without even saying hi. Why? Am I that easy to forget? And all their class pictures on Facebook without me inside, gosh. Can't help feeling a tad bit upset.
And then, the news came. The Next Switch. Not following the norm; going solo. Again. Just when I'm getting used to this, to settling down and getting to know people better - gonna get plucked and thrown like the petals of a flower again. The reality of things is going too fast, I can't possibly keep up. I don't want to leave and yet the risk-taking part of me can't wait to experience a new life. History is repeating itself but the outcome didn't turn out well the first time; I was unhappy. Would it end up the same this time round? I hate this torn-between feeling.
But Ru Min, do you honestly think they don't dare to do it if you don't give an answer? Please, even if you did give an answer and if it's not the answer they want, they'll still do it. Should I be quiet this time? Avoid it and assume that it'll never happen? Or tell someone about it? What can they do? Share your mixed feelings about this yet feel helpless like you because they can't do anything to change this, too? No. You shouldn't put people in that position where they have to find the right words to comfort you. Doesn't mean anything or make any difference, anyway. I wonder whether people will get hurt again.
The whole world seems like it's crashing down on me at full speed. And I'm standing alone in the midst of everything. How terrifying. Sometimes, I wish life was simpler. Or perhaps it is but our minds tend to complicate things. In that case, I wish humans were more simple-minded. I wish I was more simple-minded. Without the ability to think and feel, that'd be the best.
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Whisk me away