Monday, October 15, 2012 @ 10:35 AM
A year has 365 days but you just had to choose a week before my exams to shove all the possible choices into my face and ask me to make a decision immediately THEN you tell me, "Don't worry about it. Focus on your exams first." Are you freaking kidding me? You just came out of nowhere, dumped an entire truckload of ADDITIONAL stress on me THEN ask me to forget about it for the meantime. Are you for real? No, wait. Let me draw a simple picture to make everyone understand what I'm going through.
You're seven years old, and sitting in front of you is a plate of veggies that you seriously don't like but you have to eat them anyway because it's good for you. But the good part is, your parents will let you choose your dessert after that, anything you want. So, there you are, picking at your veggies and cringing at every bite but your mind tells you it's all worth it when you have your favourite Oreo ice-cream later. Then, here comes your parents. They shove two slices of delicious-looking cake, one chocolate and another strawberry, under my nose. But remember, they said YOU CAN CHOOSE what dessert you'd like and you want Oreo ice-cream today.
Your dad asks, "Which one do you want? The chocolate one or the strawberry one?" "I want neither. I want to have Oreo ice-cream today." you say. Your mum stares at you. "No, you can only choose either one of these." "But I thought I had a choice to choose what dessert I'd like to have?" you ask. "Since when did we say that?" your parents exclaims. Your face turns white and you are horrified. "Since the beginning! Since forever! I thought I had the right to choose what I want after I finished up this disgusting plate of broccoli, peas and carrots!" Your parents shakes their heads and states firmly, "Too bad. The choices now are chocolate cake or strawberry cake. Now, pick one or have nothing."
Your heart stings and you feel so betrayed by their words. But the strawberry cake looks quite promising so you pick that one. "But don't you think the chocolate cake looks good?" your dad asks. "I want the strawberry cake." you say. "The chocolate cake tastes really good, too." your mum prompts. "Okay, fine. Chocolate cake for me." you grumble while poking at your peas again. "Alright. You'll regret having the chocolate cake, then. 'Cause look at how rich the cream is on the strawberry cake. Your loss." your dad shrugs. "It's okay. It's her choice, anyway." your mum says.
By then, you are boiling inside. "Let me have the strawberry cake, then!" you scream. Your mum says, "Now, now, dear. Don't be rude. We're giving you the freedom to choose; you don't have to follow what we say. Anyway, I've had enough of this. Chocolate cake for you. It's final." "But I wanted the strawberry cake in the first place!" you hold back your tears for you were a tough seven-year-old kid. Your dad waggles his finger in front of you and says sternly, "Hush now, kid. Don't worry about the dessert. All you have to do now is finish up your veggies first then we talk business." You continue eating your veggies quietly. "But really, the strawberry cake is delicious, I had it once. Heavenly." your mum says. That's the final straw. "I WANT THE STRAWBERRY CAKE! I WANT IT!" you shriek at the top of your lungs. Both your parents stare at you for a moment, ignore you completely and lumber upstairs. "Finish up your veggies first!" your mum shout from above.
First, they said you can CHOOSE whatever dessert you desired as long as you finished up your veggies so you planned to have your favourite Oreo ice-cream. But they didn't keep their word and got you two slices of cake, one chocolate and one strawberry, and asked you to CHOOSE again. So, you CHOSE the strawberry cake. But Dad said the chocolate cake looks good so being an obedient kid, you CHOSE the chocolate cake. Later, he said the strawberry cake looks delicious. You were extremely frustrated because you CHOSE the strawberry cake in the first place! Anyway, you wanted the strawberry cake again but they conveniently shoved the chocolate cake to you and said the decision was final. You're gonna have the chocolate cake. End of story? No. They said don't worry about it and concentrate on finishing up your veggies. And so you did. There you sat, quietly eating every disgusting piece of green item off your plate when suddenly Mum mentioned how yummy the strawberry cake tasted the last time she had it.
You had it. These frustrations and confusions were too much to handle for a seven-year-old. You burst. And what did your parents do? Nothing. They forgot that they were the ones who caused everything. They left you there, hanging. On your own. Alone. They went on with their lives. But they didn't forget to tell you to finish up your veggies. How ironic. All they cared about was your veggies.
Yea, that's pretty much how things are with me right now. But the magnitude of the events aren't as small and simple as having veggies, cakes and ice-cream. The veggies actually represent my major exams; the ice-cream is what I want to do in the future; cakes are what THEY want me to do in life and where THEY want me to go. Fine, I can't have ice-cream, I'll have cake instead. But nooo. They have to choose the FLAVOUR for me as well, WTH. What was it about me having the right to CHOOSE? What does freedom to choose actually mean to you? As long as it's something to do with me, that freedom doesn't apply, right? Why even bother asking what I want to do, where I want to go, my opinions, my dreams when I have NO SAY in this? This, as in, my future. MY future. Not YOUR future. Okay, fine. While you're at it, please choose the colour my coffin as well and where you'd like to bury me when I die. Oh, wait. Maybe you want me to be cremated, I don't know. I have NO SAY when it comes to anything to do with ME, right? 'Cause I'm not ME, right? You are ME, right? Gosh.
Don't even bother asking me to concentrate in my studies. How am I supposed to study? I am utterly confused. I wake up at 4am everyday with these things running through my mind but I can't do anything about it. And if I really did study, you'd just assume I was playing the entire week and going out on weekends, right? I don't even see the point in proving to you whether I study or not. After all, if I really got a scholarship with my results, you guys don't even want me to use it just because you want me to go where YOU want me to go, right? If you wanted me to focus on my studies and worry later, you wouldn't have enlightened me (so enlightening!) with all this nonsense and tell me to decide NOW. This stress is killing me. I'm going nuts; I can't even think straight or talk properly. The things I've said lately to anyone come out gibberish. This sucks, okay. I wish I had someone to talk to, provided they can understand my nonsense-talking.
Mum? Mum. I'm dying, mum. I'm dying inside. Give me time and I'll give you an answer. No guarantees now that my results will be good because I can no longer focus. I'll apologise first if my results turn out like crap, okay. But really, you and dad, stop. Just stop it, please.
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