Saturday, June 23, 2012 @ 5:37 PM
Yesterday, my ballet centre almost collapsed because everyone was shrieking like mad inside. A cockroach was running around, hiding in between our demi pointe shoes and bags. The other girls kept screaming and ran to a corner. I was like them last time but I don't know when I overcame my fear of cockroaches. I don't see what's the fuss about one tiny creature when we're all giants compared to it. Calmly, I took off one of my pointe shoes and whacked it. End of story.
Fear.
There are so many types of fear in life : fear of failure, fear of success, fear of betrayal, etc. Everyone has fears but you can choose to overcome it. I have so many fears that it is impossible to count them. I'm glad I overcame my fear of cockroaches because there are so many of them crawling around in my room (biggest secret revealed!) until I'm just bored of them already and can't wait to kill them.
My biggest fear now is my mum. I don't see myself as a rebellious kid but of course I go against her once in a while (for now, it's many times in a while, LOL). I always fear that I'll not live up to her standards because she was a top student last time but we're supposed to run our own race, right? And I constantly feel like she's the barrier of all my dreams. She always holds me back from all my interests and putting focus on my studies, as if I'm not working hard enough.
Really, mum, please don't assume the As you see on my report card fall from the sky like rain. I may not study as hard as you did last time but I can assure you I always try my best. Why is it so hard to trust me on that matter? You should know me well enough that I'm a person who strives for the best. You say you're disappointed in me for getting 80+ in most of my subjects this time. Guess what? You're not the only one.
I'm disappointed, too. But I'm more disappointed in you.
I hate going to places with my mum - wait, let's be specific : I hate being alone with my mum. Anywhere, but mostly in her car when we're going to places. She is such a negative person and she's constantly showering me with those negative comments of hers and I'm so affected by it. I know people say you're responsible for your own happiness but her negative words just get stuck in my head somehow. At a certain age, I realised I'm so upset/annoyed whenever she's with me and I feel so relieved when my dad picks me up from tuitions or ballet lessons.
I can talk to my dad about anything because he is more open-minded than my mum and whenever there is silence in his car, I feel at peace. But if there is silence in my mum's car, it's always after a huge argument with her. Wait, it's mostly my mum worrying about my future, my grades and my Mandarin tuitions. And all her money wasted on me for learning instruments and dancing. So, basically, it's a one-sided argument because I'll just be there stealthily, remaining silent. I mean, what was I supposed to say?
My mum always discourages me to try new things because she doubts my commitment. In my opinion, she's just lazy to drive me around and wants to stay at home and sleep. Let's talk about commitment, then. I've not once done things half-heartedly because I'm a perfectionist. Whatever I learn, be it instruments, a sport, an art, I always learn as much as I can and I ALWAYS finish what I've started. Perhaps she's mad because she wanted me to play tennis when I was younger but then, I stopped. That's the only thing I didn't finish because I wasn't interested in that sport. She forced me to take it, my gosh. But I learnt how to swim when I didn't want to, right?
And she always compares. Like, "Why did teacher let her perform? Why not you instead?" Or, "Wow, he's really an all-rounder. If only it were you, I'd be so proud." Seriously, mum. You're the one who always discourages me to do anything else except studying. I like to take part in school activities, I'd love to perform in dramas, I don't mind going for competitions, it's fine by me if I take up a post in a society - but you didn't want any of those so I let all those chances slip through my fingers. Please, don't compare. It hurts me to think that I've lost so many opportunities just because you didn't approve.
Sometimes, when I'm alone and my brain starts reeling, I think about why I'm studying so hard in school when those aren't the subjects I want to take. I envy those people who are not good in studies but they have a certain talent that no one else has. Anyone can be smart - you just have to be hardworking; it takes a non-conformist to walk a different path from the rest of us, believing that he can do it when everyone doubts him.
She laughed when I told her I want to be in the arts stream. I like music. I like dancing. I like arts. She said everyone does but society kills those dreams. To me, she's the one murdering mine. I don't want to be a doctor or an actuarist. I don't mind having a lower pay; I just want to enjoy what I do. "That's what everyone says. And where have they ended up? In McDonald's, complaining about how unfair life is."
I'm so negative nowadays, I can't even think straight. I hope God would just change the course of my life and change my mum's thinking. I hope He'll stop her from feeding me negative thoughts and give me a right mind. I hope He has better things in store for me. I hope.
Hope.
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Whisk me away