Monday, November 14, 2011 @ 8:21 PM
The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes. - Thomas Hardy
I saw him today again. Thinking about him makes me... mad. No, not like those madly-in-love mad or mad-crazy mad (a little, perhaps) but pure angry-mad. I feel angry and upset every time I see him. Not a word is passed between us, however, I feel myself burning inside whenever I see him, my entire being fueled up by his presence. I hate it when that happens because it just shows that I'm jealous. Yes, I admit it, I'm jealous. Of his achievements. Of his social life. Of his grades. Of his talents. Of his looks, even. I guess my anger is caused by the jealousy within me. I feel strangely upset whenever I see him because something in me nags that he'll always be better than me. I feel unaccomplished. There's nothing in my life I've achieved that will bring myself pride. My life is a total flop compared to his.
Mun Yeed always said that I should be proud of him. After all, he is my very close friend (although we've kinda drifted away since my shifting of schools). Well, I AM proud of him. I'm glad that his life is a success and he's gained the respect of many. He's proven himself worthy to the community. I just, sigh, I don't know. I'm jealous that he'd grown so much since I first met him. We were both noobs lah back then but now he's left me behind to be a noob by myself. Standing beside him makes me feel like an ant nowadays. A germ, even. The words he speaks are of power and status but mine are just equivalent to mere specks of dust, colliding with the air particles, signifying nothing.
Jealousy is sin, I know. But I've strived so hard to achieve something in life and end up with zero accomplishments. The only success I've achieved so far is successfully portraying myself to the world as the girl who's scared to lose. No, I'm not afraid to lose because I have NOTHING to lose. People will never believe that, though. All I can say now is that I'm extremely disappointed in myself.
Accomplished sixteen years of nonsense. Bravo, Ru Min, bravo.
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