Sunday, November 23, 2008 @ 10:31 PM
Why am I always the third person?
Last Saturday, I went to St. John for like, one hour 'cause I need to rush home to prepare for my ballet exam. Waited for awhile than we started marching. There was Shao Qi, Huey Yin and some other friends. Before that, Shao Qi was there. Alone. Then I came and we chatted. Nice. Later, Huey Yin came. She and Shao Qi chatted like nobody's business. They had their backs to me.
I was invisible.
When we started marching, three person had to stand in a line. Shao Qi stood in front, Huey Yin middle, then it was my turn to stand the last. Well, it didn't turn out that way. Some girl came rushing and she stood there. So I had to find another position. With a bunch of unknowns. We marched, marched, marched. I kept looking at the time. I wanted to get out of there fast.
It was torture for me.
Time passed really slowly. I feel like sleeping. Then, I saw something. My worse nightmare. He came. I can't believe it. There's twenty-four hours in a day and seven days in a week. Why did he have to come on Saturday at eight-something? Torture. Torture. Torture. When nine came, I told my senior that I really had to go or I'll be late for my exam.
I ran.
My mum was waiting there. Gave me a curry-puff. Yum! Relieved, I sat at the backseat thinking about what had happened. I realised that I was the third person everywhere. In school, Ccy, Qian Hui and me. Third person. In ballet, Caryn, JQ and me. Third person. At home, my sister, my brother and me. Third person. At the movies, my parents and me. Third person. In church, Harn Yunn, Vivian and me. Third person.
And the list goes on.
I rushed to tie my hair into a bun. Pinned up my hair in many places. Oh, my mum sprayed too much hairspray. Gawd. Then, I wore the right attire and waited for the time. Later, my mum brought me to the studio. Yan Lin, JQ and Caryn were there already. I was the latest as my house was the nearest to the studio. We practiced and chatted.
And was shushed by our teacher.
Our teacher's nephew's daughter, which is Phoebe, kept taking our photo. We were movie stars to her. I think she was recording our steps on her digital camera. Anyway, the little girls came out and it was our turn. Before that, we snapped pictures with the examiner. She had short, hazel-coloured hair and soothing grey eyes. She was the prettiest examiner I ever seen. Her name's Miss Downie. But her character doesn't suit her name. She looks like a positive-thinking kind of person. Phoebe put on a fake accent when she took our photo. "One, two, three." she called out, emphasizing the T. When everything was done, our examinations started.
Let the game begin.
We danced what we learnt all this while. I was quite confident with myself as I had memorized all the steps. Some steps of mine were wrong. Haha. I calmed myself down. If I panicked, then everything will go wrong. I was sweating like I was standing under the hot sun for hours although the air-conditioner was on. A part, where we need to be on demi-pointe, I lost my balance and I had to lean on the wall for a split second. Oh, that was the biggest mistake in my entire life!
I closed my eyes. As if everything will disappear instantly.
Then, there's a step where the teacher told us not to tell the examiner that we had learnt. It was kinda hard so teacher didn't want us to do that step. Reverse of the second Allegro. Worse day of my life. After doing the original steps of the second Allegro, Caryn changed her position by putting her left foot in front of her right in fifth. It meant that she was preparing to do the steps of the reverse. I can't believe her. I didn't know how to do 'cause teacher taught us that step about two times only. Teacher told us not to do that step. She told the examiner that she forgot to teach us that step too.
And there Caryn was, changing her position.
Instantly, other candidates, which is Yan Lin and JQ changed their position too. I wanted to tell them I don't know how to do that, but we can't talk during examinations or marks will be deducted. I had no choice but to change my position and hope for the best. The examiner noticed that we had changed our positions and told us to do the reverse. I tried my best. I fumbled. I was straining to keep up with the other candidates' steps and timing. Oh gawd, it was a flunk. I act as if I know the steps so it wouldn't seem so obvious.
Caryn dragged me into this.
After the examinations, she told me when I was doing my dance, my arms were wrong. I didn't care. It was over. I told her, "Teacher said we were not suppose to do that reverse. Why did you nod your head when the examiner asked you? I don't know how to do, you know." She said, "Teacher told us to practise just now, right JQ?" When, I looked at JQ, she just nodded quietly. A triumph smile spread out on Caryn's face. "C'mon, JQ. Let's go change our clothes." I kept quiet and went home.
I was flabbergasted.
A mixture of hurt, confusion and anger rushed through me. It's not like I want JQ to agree with me all the time. But the way Caryn asked her about the steps, I felt like I was the bad guy. The criminal. The one at fault. The third person. I remembered about Friday, when I asked JQ and Caryn, "Wow, how come you guys bought pointe shoes already?", Caryn told me that after the examinations, JQ was going to her house to practice on pointe. Oh, alright then. Nothing bad about that. But the way JQ shushed her made me uncomfortable. It was like she didn't want me to know about it.
Went home feeling even more Emo than I already am.
Caryn, if you read this post, don't feel bad. I'm not blaming you about anything. And if I failed my examinations, it's not your fault. Don't worry, you're still my friend. And JQ too. It's just that I need time to unwind all the confusion so there's no confusion between us.
I'm always the third person in my life.
JUST FROM: ROO~ AKA RU MIN FROM 1B
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